Category: Real Life

Peek Into My Mind:

Posted on by in Real Life

I’m sat writing this on one of the sofa’s in my living room. One of my housemates is cooking, another is sat watching The Sidemen fail at answering general knowledge questions whilst the final two are away at an event for the evening. The last two weeks have been very up and down regarding my mental health, with my schedule not really allowing for any down time to recharge properly. If I’m honest with you all, and I always strive to be honest, I’ve reached a limit. Burnout is a common thing, especially for those with mental health issues. Considering how busy I’ve been with university, my part time job and all my additional commitments – it’s a miracle that it hadn’t happened sooner.

The thing is, I haven’t lost my inspiration to write, edit videos or draw. In fact, it’s the other way around. As I’m writing this, I’ve got a rough plan for an art project, several videos that I’m in the process of editing and a tonne of article ideas. The inspiration and motivation are there, I just don’t have the energy for it. When I do have the energy, I get hit with the guilt. The guilt that I am avoiding doing my university work, that I’m not finishing coursework or revising for exams. It’s always there, sitting on my shoulder – reminding me that every moment that I’m not focusing on university or finding a graduate position, is wasting time.

A lot of you can relate to this because it’s a big part of the negative cycle that those with depression and anxiety suffer from. When you feel that guilt, it stresses you out because those deadlines seem to loom over you, even if they’re months away. That stress leads to anxiety over failing or disappointing those around you, which leads to even more self-loathing and doubt. When you’re in that kind of mental state, you can’t get any work done – causing guilt and starting the cycle anew. It’s toxic. It’s hard to break out of. After all, how can you form a plan of attack when that demon in your head can hear every thought you’re having?

A few weeks ago, we talked about why I started Mind Games. Obviously, mental health is such an important topic, now more than ever. Children are having panic attacks over schoolwork, students having to drop out of university due to suicidal thoughts, loneliness consuming the older population – these are all problems that we are facing, day in and day out. For those of you who have never had an anxiety attack, let me give a bit of context. You genuinely feel like you are dying. Your heart races, you struggle to draw in oxygen, and everything seems to be crashing down around you. It’s terrifying. Even now, when I know exactly what to expect from one, it still catches me off guard and stays with me for hours after the event.

Even now, the diagnosis of a mental health condition is categorised as a weakness by many. They think that because you hear voices, have panic attacks or struggle to get out of bed in the morning, means they can look down on you as a “less worthy” person. That couldn’t be further from the truth and it always infuriates me when people talk about mental health as a “problem” that we need to eradicate. Being able to live each day of your life, with those demons hanging on your shoulder – is a testament to the sheer inner strength and determination of every one of us. A bad day isn’t a failure, it’s merely a reset. You can always try again.

Trying to explain my mental health is probably one of the hardest things that I’ve done. Not because it’s challenging or dramatic but because I barely understand it myself. You can’t put it into words because it is so deeply personal. My mental health is a result of my experiences, my reactions, my loved ones and lost ones. So, making a site focused around something so personal, means that sometimes that I need to let you all peek behind the curtain a bit. I’m open about my mental health issues and my state of mind but obviously I don’t share everything with you all, a girl has got to have some secrets after all.

When people describe mental health as a constant fight or a never-ending battle, they aren’t exaggerating. It’s an endless crusade against an enemy that reinvents itself and can change its strategy at any point. You never know where you are safe. It could pop out in the middle of the unknown or under your bed at night – it’s always somehow right behind you and round the next corner at the same time. I’ve been in a relatively good place mentally for the last few months. However, if I compared that state of mind to someone who doesn’t experience mental health issues, they’d probably want to book me a doctor’s appointment on the spot. I haven’t won the battle. I probably never will.

However, I haven’t lost. I’m still here, writing these articles and listening to all your amazing stories. To me, that’s a victory. Although this little community we have built may not seem anything major, to me it’s worth more than anything. Each day that you wake up and go “I’m still here”, is a monumental achievement.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but I’ll say it.

I’m proud of you. I always will be.

Back to rambling about games next time, I promise.

– CaitlinRC

Why does Mind Games exist?

Posted on by in Real Life

On the 13th of April of this year, I uploaded my first article and made Mind Games available to the public. Since then, we’ve posted a total of 34 articles (including this one), achieved over 1,200 views, 530 unique visitors, 20 likes and 40 comments. Thanks to the outstanding support from you all; I’ve gotten to interview games developers at EGX, write an article for the fantastic charity group CheckPoint and tackle topics that we face every single day. So, there are several questions that arise from this that need to be answered. Where will we go next? How can we make things bigger and better? Why did I make Mind Games in the first place?

It is this final question that I want to talk about today. It’s something that I’ve been asked a lot since I clicked publish all those months ago. If I’m honest, it’s taken me a long time to truly understand why I did this. Normally, I am a very private person. Although I am not ashamed to talk about my mental health when asked, I don’t tend to initiate the conversation. So, creating a site where I regularly talk about difficult topics such as grief, anxiety, and depression, seems at odds with my normal self. Yet, thinking back on that decision, I can’t see any other choice I could have made.

Growing up, mental health has always been a touchy topic. Some people see it as a sign of weakness, something to be ashamed of. I’ve been accused of seeking attention, for making mountains out of molehills, of being pathetic. Thankfully, my family and close friends are brilliant. They accept me for who I am, baggage and all. I don’t feel guilty about having to step away from a situation when I start to get anxious or taking a day to myself when the darkness gets too much to deal with. However, I know that in other aspects of life, I will have to deny and supress the conditions that form such an integral part of my identity.

As a society, we are making progress towards taking mental health more seriously and providing support to those who need it. However, it is nowhere near enough. There are still people out there who believe mental health is merely a state of mind and that they just need to “get over it”. They believe that it is a choice. It isn’t. Nobody on the planet would willingly choose to suffer from a mental health condition. Sure, sometimes we can find that shred of good in amongst all the bad. We can make positive memories out of a bad situation. However, it’s a bittersweet thing.

For me, gaming has been a massive coping mechanism. I don’t deny that they formed a large part of my childhood years and continue to shape me as I take my first few steps into the “adult” world. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from or how old you are, there is a game for you out there. From games focusing on gritty realism and intense action, to the more symbolic experiences that leave you with a burning curiosity to uncover all it’s secrets, the possibilities are literally endless. Gaming is for everyone. Mental health affects us all. It seemed only right that these two areas should cross over.

When I was planning on starting Mind Games, I did some research into the field, to see what range of resources and existing publications are out there. To my surprise, I came across very few resources. Sure, there are a few amazing sites and charities that are dedicated to these important issues, but I found nothing like what I had imagined for Mind Games. Here’s the weird thing though. I didn’t feel proud or happy that I had thought of this “new idea”. The exact thought in my head when I realised this was simply – Why doesn’t it already exist? Why am I the one to take that step and encourage the conversation? We should already be talking about this, we should be building one another up, providing resources and support to those who need it.

I think the main reason I started Mind Games is because I wanted a place where people could feel like they didn’t have to be ashamed or scared or anxious to admit that they are struggling. People should be able to go – I’m not ok. We should be able to play games, no matter how goofy or ridiculous they seem and enjoy ourselves without fear of repercussions. My mental health over the last few years has gone through a lot, but one of the true peaks has been this site and the community it has created. Hearing from you all has been brilliant. From your own experiences, to your suggestions, hopes and wisdom – Mind Games would not be what it is without you.

People always say – be the change that you want to see in the world. It’s an odd phrase but I think after creating Mind Games, I finally know what it means. Even if I only help a handful of people, I will have still impacted lives that may have remained untouched otherwise. So thank you all, more than anything. I hope I will always be worthy of your kind words and endless support.

Never be ashamed of who you are, be honest and be kind.

See you next week,

CaitlinRC

Special Effect – Press to HONK

Posted on by in Real Life

One of the most powerful tools that game designers use to cause you fear or unease, is to take away something that you rely on. Be it your faithful animal companion, your magical abilities or even a sense, to have that ripped from you changes how you approach the rest of the game. Even if it is restored, you face the rest of it with that voice in your head, reminding you that what has happened before, could and maybe will, happen again. Especially in games that rely so heavily on quick responses or audio cues, everything becomes so much harder, as if the difficulty has been turned up to eleven without you knowing.

HONK.

Now, apply that to everyday life. Simple tasks are more difficult, there are some situations that are completely inaccessible to you and experiences that you will never get to have. Not fair is it? That’s what life can be like with a disability. Mental or physical, these disabilities can taint every part of our lives, constantly reminding you of its presence. For example, games majorly focused on strategy and cooperative play can be a massive struggle for those who are neurodivergent, particularly those on the autistic spectrum who struggle to pick up on social cues. Depending on the colour palette you use for your game, those who are colour blind may not be able to play. Even subtitles can make a massive difference in allowing people to enjoy a medium that a lot of us take for granted.

So, why am I bringing this up? What game could I possibly be talking about? Why am I asking various rhetorical questions to readers who can’t hear the sarcasm in my voice? Well, whilst I was at EGX, I got the chance to talk to the lovely Becky from Special Effect. If you haven’t heard of Special Effect, they’re a charity that builds custom gaming rigs for the physically disabled, both young and old, to enable them to enjoy the games we know and love. From creating joysticks that can be controlled with your chin, to having a big yellow button you can hit to make the goose honk, they will go above and beyond to improve the quality of life of those with disabilities. If that’s not selflessness, I don’t know what is.

Best Robot 11/10

I wanted to highlight Special Effect, here, on MindGames, because what they do is so important. The whole purpose of this site is to highlight how gaming and mental health are closely linked, how they can affect one another and improve our lives for the better. Yet, some people can’t access video games. They are cut off from one of the most powerful forms of media, all because of something they had no control over. Despite being dealt a crap hand in life, these people are all phenomenal. Kind, hilarious, bright and compassionate, they are the pinnacle of what humanity should be. So, it is our duty as the rest of humanity to nurture that potential, that hope and enjoyment in any way that we can.

One of Special Effect’s projects that really caught my eye was Bubble Busters. Their cute little bots have an inbuilt camera, microphone and speaker so that children who can’t physically attend school, can still be there in class, to keep up with their education and to let them have those childhood experiences we all remember. Inside jokes, hanging with their friends, getting any academic support they need, it is all possible with these little robots. Currently, the scheme is focused on children with leukaemia, who are forced to be at home for long periods of time due to their severely weakened immune system. This terrifying point in their life, is when they need their friends the most. That is what Special Effect is trying to accomplish and the impact they’ve had on kids lives already is astounding.

TLDR: They’re great, go support them.

As we discussed in my piece on Alien Isolation, loneliness can be a powerful thing when not dealt with. Sure, we all need a little me time now and then but being trapped alone with only the thoughts of your situation, is something that no one deserves. This extends beyond just those with the disability, but also to those around them. The family, friends and carers are also struggling. Having a few moments where they know everything is ok, that they don’t have to worry, can be the difference between a good day and a bad day. Be it being able to play a game with your child for the first time or just seeing them smile so wide it hurts your heart to look at, the impact is phenomenal.

Apologies that this piece is a lot shorter than usual. All I can say is that you should go investigate this amazing charity yourself. Here’s their website – https://www.specialeffect.org.uk/ .

Till next time,

CaitlinRC

EGX 2019 – Too many games, too little time

Posted on by in Gaming, Real Life

If anyone had told me six months ago, when I published my first article on the site, that I’d be attending EGX in London with a press pass – I’d probably have fallen over in a weird combination of anxiety and disbelief. Throughout our lives, we have always had it hammered into our heads that we are representatives of our schools, of our clubs, of our generation. If we misbehave or act out, it is deemed a black mark against that group, rather than just against the offender. So, stepping into a 4-day gaming convention, with my silver wristband and my notebook, was a tad terrifying. At that moment, I wasn’t just Caitlin who loves to play video games – I was Caitlin, owner of Mind Games. My site, my articles, my online presence and those who support me, all would be judged as a result of my actions. No pressure.

For those roughly curious about how the whole process of a “press pass” works, I’ll give a quick rundown. You fill out a simple form, explaining what site/organisation you represent, what your focus is and why you’d like to talk to the developers at EGX, as well as any potentially statistics or figures that you feel might benefit your application. I was lucky enough to receive a press pass, which is essentially a “super-pass” – giving access to all four days of the convention and the chance to organise meetings with various developers to talk about their games! The pass itself is given as a free ticket, which as a student I was incredibly grateful for!

Dramatic silver press pass is dramatic

Up until last week, the biggest convention I had been to on my own, was Rezzed, the sister convention of EGX, held in the Tobacco Dock. This smaller location worked well for me, reducing my feelings of anxiety caused by large groups of strangers. If needed, the exit was relatively easy to find, and some areas were a lot quieter than others. I have nothing but fond memories of Rezzed and if my studies allow it, I’ll be there in March. EGX, however, is held in the ExCel Centre. It’s so much bigger, with over 80,000 attendees at the convention each year, more than 250 games available to try out and countless exhibitors eager to show off their work.

For someone with mental health issues, a convention can be our worst nightmare. No matter how much preparation you do, it can’t truly prepare you for the chaotic environment of a convention hall, filled with thousands of excited game fans all chatting about different things. As someone who gets easily overwhelmed, it’s the main part of the experience that I dread. Especially on the busier days, you can go from enjoying yourself immensely, to trying desperately to find somewhere quiet enough that you can calm yourself down in peace. It’s kind of eerie really, feeling so isolated and overwhelmed, whilst being surrounded by thousands of likeminded people.

PRESS TO HONK!

Thankfully, conventions have cottoned on to this and have begun to provide quiet zones, safe spaces and accessibility options so that everyone can enjoy themselves, not just the most outgoing individuals. This is key, especially in industries like gaming, where a lot of individuals use the media as a form of escapism. Playing games is a coping mechanism for many, so tainting that experience for someone with a bad day at a convention, is something that all convention runners should avoid like the plague. A good example of this is the charity CheckPoint, who provide mental health resources for gamers and quiet zones at conventions, where you can go to decompress, calm yourself down and chat to someone if you wish to.

I don’t think there is anything that can truly prepare you for a convention. It’s a completely unique atmosphere, that you don’t find anywhere else. Heck, the atmosphere changes from year to year! Part of that, I believe, is due to the ever-changing nature of the gaming industry. As much as there are the few specific gaming companies that seem to have existed to the dawn of time and will outlast us all, these events are about trying new things. Be that a new piece of hardware, a new instalment in a long-running series or dipping your toe into a genre that you’ve never tried before, there is something for everyone. For example, I spent most of my time flitting between the indie games section and the board games area, as those were the two main bits that I cared about – both as a gamer and for any press meetings I had. Meanwhile a couple of my friends, made a beeline for the Doom Eternal area, as they were very keen to punch some demons in the face.

Convention too busy? Play some board games 😀

The highlight of the convention for me, was getting to chat to the developers of the games that were available to play. I think something that a lot of us forget, is that there are so many talented and unique individuals behind the games we take such joy in. Each of these creators has walked their own path in life to get to that moment, faced their demons and tackled events that none of us will really understand. They pour all those experiences into their creations, so being able to talk to them in depth about their work and their lives, gives you just an inkling of their potential as creators in the gaming industry.

Although I’ll go into more detail about the conversations I had whilst at EGX in other articles, I wanted to say something that floored me. Every person I spoke to, whether they had their own mental health issues or not, completely agreed that video games and mental health had a strong link. From escapism, to tackling delicate issues with care, each member of a development team has a duty to ensure that their game will make a positive impact on their audience members. From accessibility options for the colour blind, to telling a story about loss through symbolism, each decision made in the process of designing a game is key. It’s about building a community with your players.

This was too comfy a spot not to take a photo in – at the PHOGS stand 🙂

This idea of community also extends to the convention, since these events can be a massive boost to those looking for likeminded people to talk about their love of gaming with. I speak from experience, that conventions are a massive opportunity to meet those online friends that you’ve been chatting with for months and just mess around together as if you’ve known one another for years. From someone killing your character in space by stealing their oxygen, to working together to combat a horde of monsters, these events foster a sense of companionship and loyalty to one another, even if you’ve only been talking to someone for a few minutes.

If you can afford to go to these kinds of events, do it. Don’t let fear or anxiety stop you because the friends you make, the experiences you will have and the joyful memories will stay with you forever, whilst those negative thoughts will be gone before you know it. Some of my best memories of the last decade are from conventions and the amazing friends that I have made through the gaming community. We all deserve happiness and who knows, maybe through a convention like EGX, you’ll find yours.

Till next time,

CaitlinRC.

Escape Rooms – I’ve Never Wanted to Get Outside More:

Posted on by in Real Life

Much like video games, the real world goes through phases and fads like a student goes through pasta. A lot of these tend to only last for a month or so, before something new comes along and grabs our interest. In a way, we’re a lot like magpies when you think about it. Our attention flits from one shiny activity to another, such as indoor skydiving, laser tag or roller rinks. Obviously, these still exist nowadays but they’re a bit harder to find. One fad that doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon and that I personally adore, is escape rooms.

For those who have never done an escape room, their premise is simple. You and a few friends get locked in a room/series of rooms for a specific length of time (normally around an hour), and in order to escape, you must solve puzzles. Now the puzzles vary massively depending on the room’s designer, with some rooms being themed around cryptography or spatial awareness tasks, but they tend to be sequential. The solution to one puzzle opens a cupboard that contains a clue to the next and so on.

Ciphers are a big part of some escape rooms but not all!

It’s a remarkably satisfying process that gives you a real sense of achievement and is actually a very good team bonding experience. I did an escape room with my current housemates to check whether we could handle living with one another, after all, if you can get locked in a room together (and a cage in our case, with me handcuffed to a chair!) then chances are you can handle living in close proximity of one another. Escape rooms can get a tad frustrating depending on who you are completing them with, as dominant personalities can collide but if you all keep calm, it’s a great way to see people shine in ways that you didn’t expect.

Let me give you an example. I’ve done quite a few escape rooms, since they’re a great non-alcoholic activity to do and I’ve been lucky enough to make friends who are willing to do them with me. Let’s focus on the one with my current housemates (hi guys if you’re reading this). We’re all a bit whacky in my house so an escape room seemed quite up our alley. After opening a new room, we all gravitated towards different clues – with one of my housemates instantly recognising mirror writing as she used to practise writing in it all the time! Or how one of my friends from a placement knew how to brute force a padlock by squeezing it tight and feeling when the tumblers fell into the correct slot.

Some escape rooms are themed and have a story!

In the case of my housemates, I’ll give you some background. There’s five of us in our house – three of which are computer science students, whilst the other two focus on biology and occupational therapy. So, when it comes to problem solving and logical thinking, we have a bit of an edge. Here’s the thing though – you can be the best cryptographer in the world and still struggle in an escape room because it challenges you to think beyond what you know and try things that you might not think of.

For anyone reading this who isn’t a big puzzle solver or a logical thinker, don’t be put off! You don’t need any skills to solve an escape room. Sure, knowing about the common techniques they use can be helpful but everything you need to escape is given to you. Who knows, maybe your unique way of thinking will be what cracks the final clue? If you feel anxious or need to step out for a bit, 99% of rooms provide a instant “exit” button that lets you out when you need it, so those with claustrophobia can still enjoy themselves – these rooms are there for everyone and the creators want you to enjoy them!

Some can be quite spooky, I ended up in a serial killer one once!

You see this theme of escape rooms in gaming as well. There are hundreds of puzzle games out there that challenge you to escape the house or the abandoned theme park as fast as you can. So, it’s no wonder why it has become such a massive thing in the “real world”. Considering a large part of what I do involves puzzle solving and tackling problems from a different angle, it’s not hard to see why they appeal so strongly to me.

After becoming a Dungeon Master and running campaigns for my friends, escape rooms have jumped massively up my list of interests. After dedicating so much of my time to creating unique puzzles for my players to solve, I have a deeper appreciation to the designers of escape rooms, especially when it comes to difficulty levels! Sure, it’s satisfying to complete any of them but the harder rooms, there’s an innate determination to conquer it when other’s have not.

Note: Don’t karate chop the lock to escape, that will hurt.

Anyways, I’ve rambled a bit much this week rather than a fully form article but hey, you guys seem to like it regardless, so I’d love to hear your thoughts on escape rooms! Leave a comment or tweet me at @OurMindGames with your experiences! The schedule for the next fortnight is a tad all over the place due to EGX as I’m in the process of sorting meetings with developers to chat about their games but I’ll aim for The Blackout Club article to come out next Monday as planned.

Thanks,

CaitlinRC.