Hi.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
Not sure why I write questions like that in my posts, it’s not like any of you are stood behind me, ready to respond immediately. If you were, that’d be a tad unnerving, especially since I am sat at my desk in my supposedly empty house. My cats make enough noise that I often wonder if I’m being robbed but even they wouldn’t lurk behind me and answer my rhetorical questions. Wait no, they probably would. Either that, or the burglars have taken an interest in my writing.
Weird thoughts aside, I wanted to talk to you all. I know I don’t need to explain why I’ve not written articles in a while – after all, this site is my choice, my side project, not a contracted position or legal requirement. I shouldn’t feel I have to justify my choices in only posting my Dungeons and Dragons campaign, instead of the mental health focused vision that I began MindGames with. Yet, here I am, trying to explain thought processes and decisions that I barely understand myself.
These last 18 months have been insane for us all, regardless of where you live. It’s insane to me to think that shortly before this all began, I was celebrating the end of my theatre show, a production of Harold Pinter’s “The Hothouse”. Over the course of lockdown, I wrote a dissertation, sat my final exams, graduated from university, moved out on my own, started a new job, adopted two cats and now I’m looking at finding a more permanent flat to live in for the next decade or so. A great deal has changed. None of us are the same people we were at the start of all this. Heck, none of us are the same person as the one that woke up this morning.
Despite this, my feelings towards this site, this community, the core ideals that I built MindGames around – they have not changed. The work that I’ve done is but a drop in the vast ocean of content that exists out there on the internet. We make the occasional ripple on the surface of that ocean. We are too small to make tidal waves. We struggle to fight against the current that threatens to drag us down. Mental health is tricky. It’s incredibly personal, a silent war fought on fronts that we forget exist. What seems like a raindrop to you, could be a tsunami to me.
It doesn’t feel like I do enough. Logically, I’ve accepted that nothing I do will feel enough to me, as I’ve set the boundary so high that nothing can reach it. I feel like I should be doing so much more with my platform, small as it may be. I have a thousand and one ideas but the fear that grips me whenever I consider putting those ideas to paper is impalpable. In the whirlwind of my life, there are two constant lights that I cling to. The love I hold for my cats and the joy that I experience every week with the Dungeons and Junkiez gang. Tuesday nights have become something that gets me through the darker mental states. Recently, all I’ve felt capable of doing outside of work commitments, has been playing and planning Dungeons and Dragons.
I have over a dozen unfinished articles sitting on my hard drive at the moment – Hades, Among Us, Prison Architect, the list goes on. Games that I’ve played that have stuck with me, made me laugh, made me rage, given me calm when little else could. Yet none of them feel worthy of MindGames. The words I use feel… lackluster. It’s strange. Every writer frets over their work. I doubt there’s a writer on the face of the planet who hasn’t second guessed their work at some point or another. Redrafts of novels, rewriting of entire episodes in tv shows, tweaking key lines in poignant movie moments – it’s all a part of the process.
Yet it’s not that I feel I need to rewrite every single article, more that by completing them, I’d be entering into a contract with myself that would demand their publication. It’s a common occurrence for me, less about how other’s will react and more about how it will gnaw into my state of mind. There’s a unfinished novel in my files, several drafts of fantasy stories that I never sought to have published, videos that I never made, thoughts I’ve never been brave enough to speak aloud. Too many thoughts.
Every time I have sat down to write recently, it’s just… not happened. It’s become a staring contest with my laptop that I could never win. There is no doubt that I want to keep building up MindGames until I can make a solid impact on the world and help people, but I think deep down I’m terrified of failure. Of failing all of you. Of failing myself. Of failing the memory of those that I’ve lost to the black dog that stalks our thoughts.
I will be back. Not regularly, at least not for a while. D&D will keep coming. Articles will return. I just… needed to get this out there. Communication is important after all – especially with yourself.
Caitlin.