I’ve not given up on this site and the positive impact that I want it to have on the gaming community. A lot has happened in the world over the last four months, which hasn’t helped with the issues of motivation and burnout that I’ve talked about before on the site. If I’m completely honest with you all, I just haven’t wanted to write recently? Normally, I’m a very creative person. I love to build worlds and weave stories from nowhere, to sketch out goofy comics and play music. A lot of that has been sapped out of me during these trying months. What remains has to be rationed out carefully, so that the things that I hold dear don’t wither away to nothing.
The majority of my limited creativity has been laser focused on my D&D sessions with friends; in building elaborate backstories and complex plots for my characters and worlds. If I had to analyse the breakdown of my time over the last four months, I can say with certainty that outside of eating, sleeping and doing my job, I dedicate my time to escapism. Be that watching videos, binging new series, reading, playing D&D, playing Among Us or laughing at my kittens antics – I have preferred to avoid dwelling on my own mental health for too long. I’m well aware that it isn’t the healthiest approach to the world but at the moment, it’s all I can really work up the effort to achieve.
This is the sixth article I’ve tried to write over the last few months. The only thing I’ve been able to keep up with is editing together my D&D campaign episodes, which we do in podcast form. That’s what those Dungeons and Junkiez posts are all about! Yet, when it comes to writing, I keep starting pieces on games that I’ve been enjoying and rarely get past the opening sentence. Fun fact, I’m actually writing this in my web browser rather than in my usual Word Document. That’s the danger of losing motivation, it builds the association between your negative mindset and the activities that you are taking part in at the time. Part of me is scared that I won’t be able to write a proper article again, even though I know that is a bunch of rubbish my brain came up with.
Going into 2021, my main thought as I sat on my sofa, in my place, alone, on New Years Eve – a kitten on each leg, was that I didn’t want to fail you all. I know, I know, I could never fail you. Your support has always been unwavering, kind, generous, heartfelt and encouraging, no matter what I’ve produced. You are all the reason that my EGX panel even happened. I would never have taken that chance if it wasn’t for the community that stands behind me and cheers me on. MindGames wouldn’t have made it through the shitshow that was 2020 without you all. I’ve had so many dips this year, some of them deep enough that I wasn’t sure I could climb back up. Our choices mould who we become and I know that I’ve become a better person because of this site, because of this community, because you all manage to find something meaningful in my ramblings.
Right now, I’m sat at my desk in my makeshift office where I work from home. It’s where I’ve worked since I started my job back in August. Despite having good control over my hours, a positive work environment and a boss who is brilliant, I’ve struggled. Heck, I have more free time now than I did this time last year. Even whilst in my final year of university, production managing a show and holding down a part-time teaching job, I still found the time and the excitement to sit down and write about gaming and mental health for you all. Now, with all these free evenings, I struggle to cook dinner for myself. It’s weird. Depression’s a bitch.
I’m well aware that this piece doesn’t make much sense, I’m really just speaking from the heart of what’s been going on in my life for the last few months. I think the global pandemic has fucked with a lot of our mental states, which is something we need to accept. It’s ok that you’re not doing well. It’s ok that you’re anxious, that you’re afraid or you’re angry. We’ll get through this. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.
I’ll be back with a proper piece by the end of the month. I promise you all š
Sadly, we are not talking about the racing game. Partly because Iāve never played it and partly because my racing knowledge is extremely limited, so the article would have as much motorsport commentary as the staff working the Legoland Driving School. Instead, we are talking about the negative mental state known as burnout. Otherwise known as emotional exhaustion, burnout has become increasingly more common nowadays as we put greater and greater pressure on ourselves. Those in high-pressure, stressful jobs are at a greater risk of this, especially those with existing mental health conditions.
So, what is burnout? The International Classification Of Diseases (IDC-11) describes it as:
āBurn-out is a syndrome conceptualised as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterised by three dimensions:
Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion
Increased mental distance from oneās job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to oneās job
Reduced professional efficacy ā
Now more than ever, we tend to work ourselves in search of a far-off goal. However, often those goals are unreachable. The easiest comparison that I can make is the following scenario: Youāve just started going to the gym again and you decide that by the end of the month you should be able to fifty miles in one go. Although it is āpossibleā, the level of sole dedication that you would have to devote to your exercise regime would be ridiculous. Youād have to give up relaxation, social time, heck, even your day job. The amount of physical, mental, and psychological exhaustion that you would put yourself through for the sake of a goal, would be insane.
Naturally, when someone suggests to you that theyāre going to achieve this insane physical feat in such a short span of time, you would question it. Youād even advise them against doing such a thing! Yet, for some reason, workplaces donāt bat an eye at overworking their employees. You feel guilty for falling behind on deadlines, you work later and on weekends in order to make up for it, you sleep less, you eat less, until you get to a stage of exhaustion where you just feel that you canāt cope anymore.
Obviously, there are a remarkable amount of similarities between depression and burnout. From the tiredness, to the lack of self-esteem and overwhelming guilt that arises from your inaction, Iāve often found that I struggle to differentiate between my bouts of depression and when Iām suffering from burnout. Iāve had a real battle with burnout and depression over the last twelve months, as my final year of university was kicking my ass. I made the mistake of trying to make up for the time Iād missed in my first two years where I was too anxious to really try anything new, to the point where I overburdened myself massively. Like, it was insane. It got to a point where my housemates wouldnāt see me for days because Iād leave the house before them and get back after them.
After years of dealing with depression and my other conditions, Iāve become good at handling burnout and working despite its impact on me. However, thatās not really a good thing, is it? Nobody should have to get to the point where they are so good at powering through emotional exhaustion that they could register it as a skill on their CV. Burnout also has a nasty tendency to become a habit, rather than a one off negative occurrence. You start to work yourself harder and harder, feeling guilty for not being able to maintain that level of intensity. Itās a difficult cycle to break out of.
In what is probably the first sensible choice Iāve made in a while; Iām going to stop writing this piece here. After all, wouldnāt want to burn myself out! Be sure to tune in this Sunday at 3pm to EGX Digital, as the panel that I recorded with some amazing guests is airing as part of the convention! Super excited!
A young girl shuts the door on her friend with a big smile plastered across her face. As soon as the lock clicks into place, the smile vanishes and overwhelming sadness swims in her eyes. She slumps down, barely able to keep herself upright as sobs begin to wrack her body and tears spill down her cheeks. The camera pans away, the piano instrumental swelling to an emotional crescendo. This is what the films showcase depression as, a dramatic display of emotion and sorrow. Needless to say, that’s a load of bollocks.
Yes, this devastating mental health condition can manifest itself in full emotional breakdowns. Yes, there are some moments where I just want to cry in my room until the sun sinks below the horizon. However, it is so much more than that. It isn’t something that is magically fixed by falling in love with some handsome boy who wipes away your tears. There isn’t a “cure”. It isn’t something you can prevent just by “cheering up” or stopping being sad.
Let me explain a bit more. Depression is more than just feeling sad. It is more than the emotional breakdowns where you can do nothing but cry. It’s days where you don’t see the purpose of getting out of bed or doing anything productive, because what possible worth could you contribute to the world? It is moments where you feel guilty for taking time to yourself, where you feel that you aren’t good enough, that your work is terrible, that you are worthless.
Depression is a mood disorder, caused by an inbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain. A low level of serotonin, is associated with a low mood, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, interest in usually enjoyable activities and much more. There are many different factors that can influence whether you develop a mental illness such as depression – there’s a major genetic component. For example, there’s a big history of mental illness in my family, which significantly raised the risk of how likely it was for my sister and I to develop one.
I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression around three years ago. Around a year and a half later, I was given the additional diagnosis of PTS (Post Traumatic Stress). Despite all this, I’ve been experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression for nearly seven years now. Looking back on my teenage years, those moments of anxiety and self-loathing weren’t just teen angst or exam stress. All these people would tell me to calm down, to relax, to stop beating myself up over every tiny mistake. I’d feel guilty for not being able to take their advice, for wallowing in self-pity and guilt.
Now, there are many different types of treatment for depression. These treatments are not a permanent fix for the mood disorder, they are merely ways to cope and manage the symptoms. I’ve tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to improve my self-esteem, counselling to try and process the traumatic events in my life, various self-help resources and ground techniques for when I get overstimulated and start to panic. However, therapy isn’t the answer for everyone. In my case, I need to take anti-depressants to keep my mood in check. I couldn’t focus on the therapy or the techniques that I was being taught because I just couldn’t see the point in it. I didn’t see a good reason for wasting my therapist’s time with my petty problems.
Throughout these years, I’ve had so many ups and downs that if you drew my journey on a map, it’d look like a mountain range that even the most ardent of explorers would dread to climb. Some of those downs have been a major dark pit that I didn’t think I’d get out of. I’ve struggled with my self-esteem, dealt with thoughts of whether I should end my own life. It’s terrifying. Genuinely terrifying. You feel like you’ve fallen so far down that nobody could ever find you to help pull you out. I was lucky enough to know an amazing guy at university, who would always make me laugh when I saw him at brunch. Despite me not being a “party” student, he still made an effort to include me and get to know me. Sadly, he lost his battle with depression and took his own life back in late 2018. I still miss him.
Mental health conditions are so much more than just “attitude” or “moodiness”, they are conditions that those who suffer from them will have to carry for the rest of their lives. It becomes a part of who you are, influences the decisions you make and the paths you choose to follow. I know for a fact that I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because I thought I wasn’t good enough or smart enough or worthy of that chance. Heck, even now I still don’t.
It’s ok to ask for help. One in four people will suffer from a mental health condition in their lifetime. You aren’t weird, you aren’t broken or wrong. You are deserving of love and support as much as the next person. Please remember that.
Look out for one another, be that hand in the darkness.
Much like every person on the planet with a Nintendo Switch, I have been playing a lot of Animal Crossing New Horizons over the last month and a half. As itās release date was scheduled for after my show season was over (for those who donāt know, I was production manager for a play for my universityās drama society), Iād pre-ordered it as a treat, to play as a wind down from the rewarding but incredibly stressful, show weeks. Thankfully, my show went without a hitch but the other play I was doing lighting for, had to stop due to the lockdown measures. So, New Horizons became my isolation game.
WHAT A HECKIN GOOD BOI
I have talked about Animal Crossing before on the site, with it being the second ever article posted on Mind Games (mind blowing, I know). So, if I repeat myself at all, I apologise! However, in traditional Mind Games fashion ā there is more I would like to say. Specifically, about how New Horizons has kept me (moderately) sane during these trying times. If you will indulge me dear reader, by enjoying what is probably the thousandth article you have seen posted about the game. I may be no Eurogamer but hopefully something I say will strike a chord with you.
More than anything, what New Horizons provides for me is a sense of normality. Even if we were not in the middle of a world-wide pandemic, my world is at a turning point. I am graduating from university, starting a new job, and moving to a new place. Everything in my life is changing and that is a terrifying thought. So, having a game with a set routine, simple mechanics, and plenty of opportunities to make the island my own, is a great source of comfort.
This guy has been my nemesis since Wild World and I swear to Isabelle, I’ll sink his ship.
When I get up each day, I get my cereal and a fresh mug of coffee. I will watch whatever YouTube videos tickle my fancy, be that livestreams that I missed or compilations from my favourite shows. Then, I boot up Animal Crossing. I will grab the four fossils, hunt down the money rock and freshly grown money tree (who knew that there was a magic money tree), check for any visitors (or invaders like Redd) and water my flower fields. If I am missing any bugs or fish then I will go for a wander, tool in hand. Afterwards, I go about the rest of my day ā maybe returning to my island in the evening once my work is done.
It becomes a constant. Others see it as tedious and repetitive, a game with no real end goal or objective ā not worth the time investment. To me, it is a life ring that I cling to in a storm. In the words of the Lutece twins from Bioshock Infinite, it is all a matter of perspective. What I see will always be different to what you see. It is when you accept these different viewpoints, that you see the truth value of games like Animal Crossing in trying times like this.
Who needs to wait till Halloween for true horror, when Zipper is here.
Obviously, I am not the most social individual. At university, it means that I tend to avoid the traditional activities, such as club nights, pub crawls and various raves. I would rather meet a friend for coffee and go our separate ways afterwards. A couple of my closest friends have mastered the art of co-existing with me. We could be in the same room for hours, doing our own thing and neither of us will feel the need to fill the silence with awkward chatter.
The multiplayer aspect of Animal Crossing leans into the concept of co-existing. Often, I will visit a friendās island and we will do our own thing. Be that fishing, harvesting fruit or wandering around getting to know all their villagers (and making them love you more in two minutes than the person who has known them for WEEKS). You get to talk to and enjoy the company of those friends that maybe you are in a different country from or those you cannot see due to the ongoing lockdown. It is not as good as the real thing, but people are finding creative ways to spend time with their loved ones using the capitalist raccoonās island paradises.
WAKE UP BLATHERS I’VE GOT ANOTHER FOSSIL FOR YOU
The terraforming aspect of the game is remarkably therapeutic. Getting to mould and change your island into something that you feel genuinely proud of, is an incredibly satisfying feeling. Plus, you get to fix those weird cliff edges and oddly shaped ponds that your island starts out with. For those who cannot leave the house for the foreseeable future and those who live in an area without much greenery to enjoy in those brief daily walks for exercise purposes, getting to mould an ideal outside world, brings a little bit of joy that may be missing in their days.
Anyways, those are just a few thoughts I have had about New Horizons. I am keeping this piece short as I have a lot of university work to finish off and I do not want to repeat myself too much! I will post some pictures of my island once I finish the grand rebuilding process (scheduled for AFTER my dissertation is finished) on my Twitter so go follow me – @OurMindGames / @CaitlinRC
So, itās been a year since I published my first article on the site. Weāve come so far since then. I got to talk to some amazing developers as a press member at EGX, I met some of you guys, we have over 1,800 views and nearly 1000 unique visitors. 50 articles, dozens of comments and a small dent made into the stigma surrounding mental health in the gaming community.
Thank you all for your support. It means the world to me that I get to do this every week. So to say thank you, I reached out for some questions from you guys and wellā¦ here are the answers! Stay safe everyone.
…HONK
What is your favourite psychological trope/story in video games? And your least favourite? (@AgtFLAMINGO314)
Surprisingly for a computing student, Iām not a fan of how video games tackle Artificial Intelligence. Gaming as an industry has just beaten the life out of the question ācan machines feel?ā, to the point where it makes me wince to see it. We get it, you want to stay up to date with technology. But they just donāt understand how it works ā it just goes into a revolution story that feels half hearted and forced.
I also hate when games depict those with mental illnesses as āunstableā or ādangerousā. Itās calmed down a lot more recently but there are still the occasional characters in games that make me want to pull my hair out because WE ARE NOT LIKE THAT. Our mental illnesses do not make us any less human and if one more developer turns someone with PTS into a serial killer, Iām going to become one myself. (Yes, I see the irony.)
Favourite trope? When it comes to psychology, I have always been fascinated with the thinking behind mythology. How those stories come to form beliefs and understanding, to create entire communities dedicated to its worship and understanding. Any game that tackles those beliefs, that challenges them and makes them all the stronger from it, is good with me. As it shows how we as a species can grow and adapt, whilst holding on to what makes us unique.
Either that or social psychology. Compliance and conformity especially, hence why one of the games series I have a soft spot for is the Orwell games. Dystopian future or not, the power of social influence cannot be denied.
We may not know whether it all exists, but it’s damn interesting.
Other than games, what do you find most helpful when relaxing? I.e. books, films or music etc, and any favourites? (@Ode_Ollie)
Often, what I do whilst relaxing will vary dependent on what kind of mood Iām in. Mostly, I tend to do various tasks that involve using my hands. Be that building LEGO, drawing, writing something or even cleaning, I like to physically do something and be able to see the results.
The rest of the time, music is a big relaxation tool for me. If Iām at home, then I grab my guitar and try strumming along to whatever Iām listening to. Otherwise, I have set playlists built up. Be it drowning out the negative thoughts, reliving warm memories associated with specific tunes or just allowing myself to think over the actions of the day, my noise cancelling headphones have become a major support mechanism to me.
Plus, reading is my jam. Iām a big book worm. Regardless of mood, a good book is something I can always lose myself in.
Choose Your Own Adventure Books are still great.
Do you know how many of us, as well as your work, have helped? (@Ode_Ollie)
I will never really be able to comprehend how my work has impacted people, because I barely understand how it has changed my life as it is. However, whether my articles have reached one person or dozens of people, I donāt regret starting the site. Any difference I can make, is worth the effort.
I still adore the logo that @spaceladyart made for us.
1 YEAR W H A T??? (@RupertLitterbin)
I know right? I got an email from WordPress the other day congratulating me on the anniversary of creating my site and nearly dropped my phone on the floor. So much has happened in the 365 days since I published that first piece. I left EGX Rezzed last year, determined to start my own site and to open those channels of communication with my fellow gamers. To see how far I have come, with the amazing support of those around me, is insane. Iām probably in the Matrix. Thatād explain it.
Surprised Tom Nook isn’t the bad guy in the Matrix sequels tbh.
How do you deal with crowds of people at events like EGX and other conventions, especially with travelling to and from said events? (@MaxVelocity7)
Anxiety is a major issue when it comes to being able to attend gaming conventions such as EGX and Rezzed. Crowds are always going to be there. On the journey there, during the day itself, on your way home at night, even when youāre hunting for something to eat or queueing for the bathroom! Personally, Iāve never liked crowds anyways, so London isnāt on my list of favourite places to be, especially during the busier times. Heck, I donāt like going out in Cardiff during game day because I know just how insanely hectic itāll be.
However, I canāt avoid crowds forever no matter how hard I try, so Iāve got my coping mechanisms for dealing with them. Let me lay out some of my techniques for you:
Plan The Journey ā Know exactly what train you are getting, what time it leaves, what route it takes, what stops you get off at and so on. If youāre getting the Tube, make a note of the line you are taking and what direction itās going so you can get to your platform without getting lost in the crowd. Put it in a note on your phone, for the way there and the way back, so you have one less thing to worry about.
Have Distractions ā I have my noise cancelling headphones. As noise is a big anxiety stimulant for me, they act as a barrier between myself and the stressors, as well as being a big indicator to people to LEAVE ME ALONE. Some of my friends have stress balls or putty that they fiddle with. Others have wristbands. Find what makes you feel safe and bring it with you.
Quiet Spaces ā Thankfully, conventions are getting the message that quiet spaces are needed so those who get overwhelmed can decompress somewhere safe. They are not always marked on the little map they give you, but they tend to be in small tents/past a curtain or doorway, with beanbags and spaces to sit in the quiet. Donāt feel bad if you need to use it. You deserve to enjoy the convention to and if you need time out, take it.
Friends ā If possible, meet up or go with a friend. One that is aware of your anxiety and can act as your bodyguard from crowds when everything gets too busy. Make sure you define a signal or a phrase thatāll alert your friend if you arenāt okay and donāt feel bad if you canāt cope with everything all the time. Theyād much rather have fun with you, than be playing alone. Trust me.
Breaks ā Giving yourself time out is so important. Conventions are insanely busy, hectic, over-stimulating and anxiety inducing. Itās easier to handle if you take regular, short breaks. Be that getting lunch, a coffee or just sitting down for a bit. Decompress and relax. You deserve it.
The board game sections are always great to sit and relax in.
Favourite piece youāve written so far? (@Fr0do_Baggins)
Hmm. Favourite piece so far. Considering Iāve written fifty articles now, which is an insane number to say the least, to choose my favourite is easy. Itās got to be the piece I wrote on GRIS, which was my favourite game of 2019 in the end. A short, beautiful experience whose soundtrack can bring me to tears if Iām in a mindset. You lose yourself completely in the experience and experience the protagonistās journey as your own. Thereās a reason why it is also the longest article Iāve written for the site thus far. However, as amazing as the game is, thatās not the reason why it is my favourite article.
GRIS was a journey. A journey of grief, loss and depression. It is one that I am very familiar with and one I think a lot of us will be forced to take during this current crisis. It was especially key to me working through my own grief, as I played the game and wrote the article about a month after the death of my grandfather. I still feel that ache of loss when I see finches on the bird feeders or butterflies fluttering around the buddleia, but it is no longer that painful stab that it was before. GRIS helped me understand the difference between torturing myself with my memories and keeping them as reminders of who Papa was to me.
Loss isn’t the end. I know that now.
What would be your desert island games? If you had to choose 8 and only those eight to play again, what would they be and why? (@Ode_Ollie)
Havenāt thought about the desert island scenario in a long time, so this is a good question! Hereās my list for you, off the top of my head:
Animal Crossing ā Theyāve always been my go-to relaxation games, which means that I associate it with a sense of calm and peacefulness that I donāt always get in my daily life.
Professor Layton (Miracle Mask) ā As much as Iād love all the games in the series to come with me, thatād take up the entire list so instead, Iāve gone for my favourite of the main storyline, with cutscenes and a storyline that still make me well up on the 50th playthrough.
The Walking Dead (Telltale) ā CLEMENTINE IS MY PRECIOUS BADASS CHILD, NEED I SAY MORE?
Assassins Creed Syndicate ā The Frye twins are all I aspire to be in life, if I was more flexible and in greater physical condition. Also, I have the same reaction as Evie to a dress.
Spiderman PS4 ā I just love being able to swing around the city and the combat is so satisfying to chain together with the aerial movement. Itās like a beautiful ballet of violence.
Octopath Traveller ā Honestly, I just love the game. Being able to jump between all the characterās stories and to punch ginormous pixel art bosses in the face with my PET SNOW LEOPARD, is satisfying as all hell.
Stories Untold ā Essentially my favourite storytelling experience of all time, especially for the text adventure fan within me.
Spyro The Dragon ā 99% of my childhood memories are tied to this game. I still play the original with my mum from time to time. Weāve 100%ād the first five games (before it went all fighter combos) at least 30 times.
J’ACCUSE
The best thing about creating MindGames? The hardest thing about it? (@Ode_Ollie)
Best thing? Oh, thatās an easy one. Itās the community behind it. I never expected the outpouring of support that I have received from everyone. The fascinating insights and points that you all take from my writing, often astound me, as they arenāt things that I thought of at the time. Honestly, your comments and responses often make my writing seem a lot better than it is š
Hardest thing? I think it is talking about my mental health. Ironically, encouraging conversations about mental health and supporting one another, is why I made the site in the first place, but when it comes to my own mindset, I often feel ashamed or insecure. Thatās exactly the feeling Iām trying to tackle, so itās always a bit of an internal struggle when Iām writing about topics closer to my heart.
It’s the “we” that’s important. We aren’t alone.
How can you do so much and continuously create the most wonderful content and be this amazing a person and not let the quality slide? (@Ode_Ollie)
First off, youāre an absolute angel. You have supported me tirelessly since the birth of Mind Games and I can never thank you enough for that. Also, my LEGO Statue of Liberty looks great, thank you again for that. Hopefully the world looks favourably on us at some point in the future and we can hang out!
Iāve always understood my greatest enemy is my own mind. Being busy is my main method of coping, of being able to manage that anxiety and those negative thoughts that linger at the back of my mind. Especially at this key point in my life, with my graduation and starting a job and finding a place to live, plus all the usual young adult drama that comes with it, having something to distract you is so important.
Part of that distraction is routine, and Iāve managed to cement Mind Games into that routine. It gives me a chance, once a week to speak candidly about how I am feeling, how the game of choice touched me on a personal level and to connect with you all as best I can. Personally, Iām rarely āhappyā with my articles, as I set myself very high standards. However, if I feel an article isnāt of the quality, I expect from myself, then I donāt release it.
Trust me, there are so many drafts and redrafts in my documents folder, including pieces on games that I never actually released. I refuse to let quality slide because the point behind Mind Games was to create a space for us to talk about these issues and to find that representation that we donāt always see. I wonāt sacrifice that community for the sake of viewership from quick and easy articles.
*-*-*-*-*-*
Thank you all for the questions and for reading this far down! We’ve come a long way. Thank you. So much.
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