Tag: mental health

MINIT – This Article Will Self Destruct in 60 Seconds:

Posted on by in Gaming

When a game pops up with a time limit, that aggressively counts down in the corner of my screen, I tend to panic. Any of that calm, methodical logic, goes straight out the window and is replaced with utter panic and chaos. Even the most experienced gamers can be caught off guard by a ticking clock, switching from calm professionalism to flailing back and forth, interacting with every possible object to stop the countdown. In hindsight, it is quite funny. In the moment however, it is utterly terrifying.

So, a game based entirely around a timer mechanic? It was intriguing and anxiety inducing to say the least. MINIT is a small, indie game made by Devolver Digital. An entirely black and white, goofy adventure game that requires you to find elegant solutions to puzzles within the 60 second time limit of each “run”. You have three functions in the game – MOVE, USE OBJECT and DIE. Yes, you read that correctly. The “DIE” option acts as an instant reset button. If you mess up the required items for a puzzle or realise that you are going to run out of time, then you do not need to reload a save file or lose an hour of progress.

Slightly ominous, standing behind a old bloke with a big old sword.

MINIT reminds me of the earlier Zelda games like Link’s Awakening and A Link Between Worlds. It focuses more on the top-down puzzle solving parts of similar adventure games, filtering it down to the core essentials. You have the key mechanic – the 60 second timer, triggered by picking up a cursed sword that was lying around (as they normally do). Your end goal is to go to the factory where the cursed swords are being manufactured and to shut it down. Naturally, that involves entering a haunted house, travelling to a desert island, exploring a temple, and trying not to get murdered by snakes. All in the span of 60 seconds.

What I find most fascinating about this game, is that I felt calm throughout it. Even when I failed at a puzzle, or ran out of time, I felt that I knew enough to improve on my next run. There was no creeping anxiety or shaking hands that normally accompany those timed situations. In hindsight, that is a rather sad thought to have. Regardless, we all know how impactful time restrictions and deadlines can be. Just look at the education system in most countries.

A good, pixelated doggo, to calm all your worries.

The exams that you sit in the UK, tend to be about two or three hours long, depending on the topic. Some subjects have multiple papers, like Maths, whilst others only have one or two papers, like Psychology. The dozens of hours that you have put into studying, the hundred odd hours that your teachers put into delivering the content, all come down to those precious minutes in the exam hall. Especially when some subjects do not use coursework to assess their students, your entire qualifications depend on how you perform over the course of a few weeks.

Academic exams were my nightmare. Even at university, they still are. No matter how much preparation I do, be that past papers, lab questions, aggressively staring at the content and hoping it will absorb into my skull, I always struggle. Often, I walk into the exam room, sit down and immediately panic and forget everything. My breathing grows rapid, my heart races and my hands and legs wont stop shaking. I take my exams in a smaller room due to anxiety and I do receive extra time, but these provisions only came when I was at university. During secondary school, I refused to admit that I had a problem. So, I would sit in that exam hall filled with over a hundred other students and suffer through, rarely achieving what I was capable of.

Spooky temple is spooky.

More often that not, it would stump my teachers. My performance in class and in my various homework assignments were always of high quality but whenever exam season came around, my grades would fall flat. We tried different revision strategies and calming techniques, but nothing seemed to work. Now that I am on medication and am working through my issues, my exams are not as bad to deal with, but they still are not great. I do not cope well in big action games that give me a countdown or I receive an instant game over. The number of times I have hurled a controller across the room due to failing a countdown scenario, is more than I would care to admit to on the internet.

MINIT provides the player with a list of achievements that they can aim for in the course of a initial playthrough, as well as challenges for those seeking a bit more difficulty in their gaming experiences. Some of them are goofy ones, like watering your dog with a watering can or talking to a mysterious ghost called Mary. It is a fascinating game for speed runners as well, considering the number of spawns you take has an impact on how “well” your run goes. The “Second Run” mode, only gives you 40 seconds on your timer, forcing you to think about your actions clearly.

I wonder what their rates are for an overnight stay.

As far as I am aware, MINIT is still on Game Pass for Xbox/PC so, give it a go if you are interested! It is a game that you can pick up easily and have a good time with, regardless of how much spare time you can dedicate to it! Ten minutes or an hour, I hope you will have a blast with it either way.

I hope you are all staying safe in these scary times and if you ever need anyone to talk to, reach out to me. Be that in the comments, through the contact page on the site or on Twitter @OurMindGames.

Wash your dang hands,

CaitlinRC.

The Elephant In The Room.

Posted on by in Uncategorized

As you may have guessed from the title, I want to talk about the COVID-19 Pandemic that is sweeping the world. Personally, I’ve been self-isolating for around two weeks now and haven’t left the house for 10 days. After my last trip to the pharmacy to pick up my medication, I started feeling a bit off. Then I developed a persistent cough and a slight fever. I think I’m almost back to full health. However, there are so many that are not as lucky.

The elderly, the disabled, the immunocompromised and the key workers on the front lines of this pandemic, are all so much more susceptible to this sickness. Whilst I sit on my bed writing this, thousands of people are out working to save lives, feed families and keep the communities that we have strived so hard to build, intact. If you are one of them, I salute you. Meanwhile, the rest of us are (hopefully) staying inside and dealing with the new problems that weeks of self-isolation have created.

In times like this, mental health pushes its way to the forefront of our minds. Although isolation is the best way to prevent the spread of the virus, it is a double-edged sword. Humans are inherently social creatures. The connections we form with those we love are critical to our mental wellbeing. Loneliness and isolation can be the two biggest triggers when it comes to a declining mental state.

You know that scene in films, where the lead character is all happy and cheerful until they are alone in their room – at which point they slide down the door and burst into tears? It’s not that far from the truth. In public we tend to put on a facade that we think those around us want to see. We’re scared of judgement, of hatred or cruelty. More than that, we’re scared that people won’t understand us.

That fear, that dread and anxiety? Most of the time, that goes away when you talk to your friends and family about it. You see the love they have for you on their faces, you hear it in their voices. Their support and loyalty are crystal clear. However, when all you have is some text on a screen or a phone call that only seems to last a few minutes, it becomes hard to prove that little nagging voice in your head wrong.

I’m lucky enough to be staying at my house in Cardiff with my housemates. I have an amazing community that supports me, and my parents regularly check up on me to ensure I haven’t fallen asleep under a pile of laundry like a cat. However, even with all this, that voice grows louder each day I spend in self-isolation. I can only imagine how much louder it would be if I was alone.

We’ve talked about the negative spiral multiple times in many different contexts. Yet again, that painful loop rears it’s head in this crisis. For each day that I feel ill, or unmotivated or sad, I am not productive. A lack of productivity makes me feel guilty. That guilt makes me question my own abilities and my self-worth. That leads to a lack of self-care and more days where I simply cannot face being productive. It just goes around and around, endlessly.

I don’t regret staying inside. I don’t regret self-isolating. By staying home, I am protecting people. My body is healthy enough to fit off this illness but not everyone is so lucky. By doing this, we are protecting the key workers. By doing this, I am protecting someone’s loved ones from falling ill. Who knows, maybe by staying home, I could have saved someone’s life.

The main issue I have had with staying home and isolated, is that I am scared I am losing myself. Not in a big way or anything. Just small pieces that get chipped off as the days go by. Bits of my identity. Be that my friendships, my love of theatre, the campaigns I run for my friends, the video games I play or the relationships I hold with my family. Sometimes, when you’re alone, you feel that you have no control, that it’s all slipping away.

That’s ok.

I’ll be ok.

And I hope you will too.

CaitlinRC.

Horror Games – Eternal Screaming

Posted on by in Gaming, Real Life

I’ve never been good with horror. My brain has a habit of taking a titbit of information about blowing it way out of proportion in a cinematic-style nightmare that Alfred Hitchcock would be proud of. So, I haven’t played many horror games. Often, I start a game and painstakingly make my way through the first few levels or areas, with my heart being in my mouth and my hands clenching so much that I’m surprised that there are dents in my controllers from where my fingers were. Then, I experience a horrifying jumpscare or an unavoidable fight with a monstrosity that urges me to turn off my console faster than a power cut.

For example, I’m trying to finish PREY, as I have a good idea for an article on it and I am enjoying the storyline immensely. I’m just having to recover between sessions, as my body needs time to rest after crawling along the corridors, praying that the Phantom’s don’t see me because my lungs can’t last much longer without oxygen. I’ll get there eventually. In like a decade. Or six.

GET THEE BACK PHANTOM DEMON

Curiously, I enjoy watching playthroughs of horror games. My housemates have grown used to me being sat in the living room, occasionally jumping at a jumpscare that they can’t see. Then again, I’ve walked into a housemate lying face down on the sofa, making an odd high-pitched noise, so I guess we’re all a bit weird here. Quite a few of my friends are naturally anxious, paranoid and easily scared, yet are obsessed with the genre that should be their worst nightmare.

In human psychology, our fight-or-flight response is triggered during dangerous events or moments of extreme fear. Yet, we keep playing the games. We keep going back to the jumpscares and the dark corridors with unfathomable horrors hiding in every corner of it. So, why does the horror genre have such success when it seemingly goes against human nature?

Still remarkably terrifying to this day.

This idea of actively seeking danger can be seen in many aspects of our lives – such as the existence of rollercoasters, bungee jumping and extreme sports. As a species, we seem to seek out dangerous situations rather than avoiding them as our instincts and ancestors scream for us to do. It’s an interesting conundrum to be sure, as well as a popular research topic in psychological studies. Fear is one of the most fundamental parts of what makes us human, so we strive to understand and harness it in any way possible. The gaming industry agrees with this practise and actively builds upon it.

We’ve talked before about horror games and the sense of isolation, anxiety and fear they can put upon their players – in our Alien Isolation piece. However, I wanted to talk a bit more generally about the genre as sometimes being able to step back allows us to gain a greater understanding of a situation. The big picture, so to speak. The big, horrible, terrifying, grotesque picture. Seriously, are the art departments at gaming companies ok? Some of the monsters in games nowadays are regular stars in my nightmares, so naturally I’m worried about the designers who thought up the unimaginable horrors.

Although I love watching others play Outlast, I will NEVER play it myself.

When it comes down to it, I think the horror genre has such success because it provides us with a sense of control that we often lose in the real world. In a scary situation you can’t just hit the pause button until you regain your composure. You must grit your teeth and fight on through, even though every part of you just wants to curl up somewhere quiet and escape it for a while. With horror games you can try to overcome those fears with no real fear of failure. Sure, sometimes you’ll struggle to complete a game but there’s no shame in giving up on it, after all – it’s only a video game.

This idea of control can also be tied to our sense of achievement. When it comes to things like mental health conditions, phobias and other disabilities, there never really is an end point to the battle. No credits roll, no emotional cutscene plays and no satisfying conclusion tries to tie all the loose ends together for you. You’ve merely managed to leap over one hurdle on a racetrack filled with more and more challenges for you to face. Sometimes you fall but instead of respawning at a save point, that pain stays with you – you learn to live with it, to take what lessons you can from it and to avoid it in future.

I don’t think I’ll ever recover from finding the baby in the bathroom. THIS IS NOT A HYGEINIC SLEEPING PLACE BABY.

Yet in video games, when those credits roll or that achievement pops – you feel you’ve accomplished something. The relief and sense of pride that floods your emotions after finishing a terrifying horror game is such a unique experience that it’s hard to really put into words. Whether you made it one level or collected every collectible in the game, you completed something that every rational part of human psychology would want you to run away from. That’s something to be proud of.

To all you horror gamers out there, I salute your bravery. However, I’m going to go back to hiding under my fluffy blanket and hurling my controller across the room at the slightest spook.

Till next time,

CaitlinRC.

Peek Into My Mind:

Posted on by in Real Life

I’m sat writing this on one of the sofa’s in my living room. One of my housemates is cooking, another is sat watching The Sidemen fail at answering general knowledge questions whilst the final two are away at an event for the evening. The last two weeks have been very up and down regarding my mental health, with my schedule not really allowing for any down time to recharge properly. If I’m honest with you all, and I always strive to be honest, I’ve reached a limit. Burnout is a common thing, especially for those with mental health issues. Considering how busy I’ve been with university, my part time job and all my additional commitments – it’s a miracle that it hadn’t happened sooner.

The thing is, I haven’t lost my inspiration to write, edit videos or draw. In fact, it’s the other way around. As I’m writing this, I’ve got a rough plan for an art project, several videos that I’m in the process of editing and a tonne of article ideas. The inspiration and motivation are there, I just don’t have the energy for it. When I do have the energy, I get hit with the guilt. The guilt that I am avoiding doing my university work, that I’m not finishing coursework or revising for exams. It’s always there, sitting on my shoulder – reminding me that every moment that I’m not focusing on university or finding a graduate position, is wasting time.

A lot of you can relate to this because it’s a big part of the negative cycle that those with depression and anxiety suffer from. When you feel that guilt, it stresses you out because those deadlines seem to loom over you, even if they’re months away. That stress leads to anxiety over failing or disappointing those around you, which leads to even more self-loathing and doubt. When you’re in that kind of mental state, you can’t get any work done – causing guilt and starting the cycle anew. It’s toxic. It’s hard to break out of. After all, how can you form a plan of attack when that demon in your head can hear every thought you’re having?

A few weeks ago, we talked about why I started Mind Games. Obviously, mental health is such an important topic, now more than ever. Children are having panic attacks over schoolwork, students having to drop out of university due to suicidal thoughts, loneliness consuming the older population – these are all problems that we are facing, day in and day out. For those of you who have never had an anxiety attack, let me give a bit of context. You genuinely feel like you are dying. Your heart races, you struggle to draw in oxygen, and everything seems to be crashing down around you. It’s terrifying. Even now, when I know exactly what to expect from one, it still catches me off guard and stays with me for hours after the event.

Even now, the diagnosis of a mental health condition is categorised as a weakness by many. They think that because you hear voices, have panic attacks or struggle to get out of bed in the morning, means they can look down on you as a “less worthy” person. That couldn’t be further from the truth and it always infuriates me when people talk about mental health as a “problem” that we need to eradicate. Being able to live each day of your life, with those demons hanging on your shoulder – is a testament to the sheer inner strength and determination of every one of us. A bad day isn’t a failure, it’s merely a reset. You can always try again.

Trying to explain my mental health is probably one of the hardest things that I’ve done. Not because it’s challenging or dramatic but because I barely understand it myself. You can’t put it into words because it is so deeply personal. My mental health is a result of my experiences, my reactions, my loved ones and lost ones. So, making a site focused around something so personal, means that sometimes that I need to let you all peek behind the curtain a bit. I’m open about my mental health issues and my state of mind but obviously I don’t share everything with you all, a girl has got to have some secrets after all.

When people describe mental health as a constant fight or a never-ending battle, they aren’t exaggerating. It’s an endless crusade against an enemy that reinvents itself and can change its strategy at any point. You never know where you are safe. It could pop out in the middle of the unknown or under your bed at night – it’s always somehow right behind you and round the next corner at the same time. I’ve been in a relatively good place mentally for the last few months. However, if I compared that state of mind to someone who doesn’t experience mental health issues, they’d probably want to book me a doctor’s appointment on the spot. I haven’t won the battle. I probably never will.

However, I haven’t lost. I’m still here, writing these articles and listening to all your amazing stories. To me, that’s a victory. Although this little community we have built may not seem anything major, to me it’s worth more than anything. Each day that you wake up and go “I’m still here”, is a monumental achievement.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but I’ll say it.

I’m proud of you. I always will be.

Back to rambling about games next time, I promise.

– CaitlinRC

Why does Mind Games exist?

Posted on by in Real Life

On the 13th of April of this year, I uploaded my first article and made Mind Games available to the public. Since then, we’ve posted a total of 34 articles (including this one), achieved over 1,200 views, 530 unique visitors, 20 likes and 40 comments. Thanks to the outstanding support from you all; I’ve gotten to interview games developers at EGX, write an article for the fantastic charity group CheckPoint and tackle topics that we face every single day. So, there are several questions that arise from this that need to be answered. Where will we go next? How can we make things bigger and better? Why did I make Mind Games in the first place?

It is this final question that I want to talk about today. It’s something that I’ve been asked a lot since I clicked publish all those months ago. If I’m honest, it’s taken me a long time to truly understand why I did this. Normally, I am a very private person. Although I am not ashamed to talk about my mental health when asked, I don’t tend to initiate the conversation. So, creating a site where I regularly talk about difficult topics such as grief, anxiety, and depression, seems at odds with my normal self. Yet, thinking back on that decision, I can’t see any other choice I could have made.

Growing up, mental health has always been a touchy topic. Some people see it as a sign of weakness, something to be ashamed of. I’ve been accused of seeking attention, for making mountains out of molehills, of being pathetic. Thankfully, my family and close friends are brilliant. They accept me for who I am, baggage and all. I don’t feel guilty about having to step away from a situation when I start to get anxious or taking a day to myself when the darkness gets too much to deal with. However, I know that in other aspects of life, I will have to deny and supress the conditions that form such an integral part of my identity.

As a society, we are making progress towards taking mental health more seriously and providing support to those who need it. However, it is nowhere near enough. There are still people out there who believe mental health is merely a state of mind and that they just need to “get over it”. They believe that it is a choice. It isn’t. Nobody on the planet would willingly choose to suffer from a mental health condition. Sure, sometimes we can find that shred of good in amongst all the bad. We can make positive memories out of a bad situation. However, it’s a bittersweet thing.

For me, gaming has been a massive coping mechanism. I don’t deny that they formed a large part of my childhood years and continue to shape me as I take my first few steps into the “adult” world. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from or how old you are, there is a game for you out there. From games focusing on gritty realism and intense action, to the more symbolic experiences that leave you with a burning curiosity to uncover all it’s secrets, the possibilities are literally endless. Gaming is for everyone. Mental health affects us all. It seemed only right that these two areas should cross over.

When I was planning on starting Mind Games, I did some research into the field, to see what range of resources and existing publications are out there. To my surprise, I came across very few resources. Sure, there are a few amazing sites and charities that are dedicated to these important issues, but I found nothing like what I had imagined for Mind Games. Here’s the weird thing though. I didn’t feel proud or happy that I had thought of this “new idea”. The exact thought in my head when I realised this was simply – Why doesn’t it already exist? Why am I the one to take that step and encourage the conversation? We should already be talking about this, we should be building one another up, providing resources and support to those who need it.

I think the main reason I started Mind Games is because I wanted a place where people could feel like they didn’t have to be ashamed or scared or anxious to admit that they are struggling. People should be able to go – I’m not ok. We should be able to play games, no matter how goofy or ridiculous they seem and enjoy ourselves without fear of repercussions. My mental health over the last few years has gone through a lot, but one of the true peaks has been this site and the community it has created. Hearing from you all has been brilliant. From your own experiences, to your suggestions, hopes and wisdom – Mind Games would not be what it is without you.

People always say – be the change that you want to see in the world. It’s an odd phrase but I think after creating Mind Games, I finally know what it means. Even if I only help a handful of people, I will have still impacted lives that may have remained untouched otherwise. So thank you all, more than anything. I hope I will always be worthy of your kind words and endless support.

Never be ashamed of who you are, be honest and be kind.

See you next week,

CaitlinRC