Tag: mental health

Hi.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Not sure why I write questions like that in my posts, it’s not like any of you are stood behind me, ready to respond immediately. If you were, that’d be a tad unnerving, especially since I am sat at my desk in my supposedly empty house. My cats make enough noise that I often wonder if I’m being robbed but even they wouldn’t lurk behind me and answer my rhetorical questions. Wait no, they probably would. Either that, or the burglars have taken an interest in my writing.

Weird thoughts aside, I wanted to talk to you all. I know I don’t need to explain why I’ve not written articles in a while – after all, this site is my choice, my side project, not a contracted position or legal requirement. I shouldn’t feel I have to justify my choices in only posting my Dungeons and Dragons campaign, instead of the mental health focused vision that I began MindGames with. Yet, here I am, trying to explain thought processes and decisions that I barely understand myself.

These last 18 months have been insane for us all, regardless of where you live. It’s insane to me to think that shortly before this all began, I was celebrating the end of my theatre show, a production of Harold Pinter’s “The Hothouse”. Over the course of lockdown, I wrote a dissertation, sat my final exams, graduated from university, moved out on my own, started a new job, adopted two cats and now I’m looking at finding a more permanent flat to live in for the next decade or so. A great deal has changed. None of us are the same people we were at the start of all this. Heck, none of us are the same person as the one that woke up this morning.

Despite this, my feelings towards this site, this community, the core ideals that I built MindGames around – they have not changed. The work that I’ve done is but a drop in the vast ocean of content that exists out there on the internet. We make the occasional ripple on the surface of that ocean. We are too small to make tidal waves. We struggle to fight against the current that threatens to drag us down. Mental health is tricky. It’s incredibly personal, a silent war fought on fronts that we forget exist. What seems like a raindrop to you, could be a tsunami to me.

It doesn’t feel like I do enough. Logically, I’ve accepted that nothing I do will feel enough to me, as I’ve set the boundary so high that nothing can reach it. I feel like I should be doing so much more with my platform, small as it may be. I have a thousand and one ideas but the fear that grips me whenever I consider putting those ideas to paper is impalpable. In the whirlwind of my life, there are two constant lights that I cling to. The love I hold for my cats and the joy that I experience every week with the Dungeons and Junkiez gang. Tuesday nights have become something that gets me through the darker mental states. Recently, all I’ve felt capable of doing outside of work commitments, has been playing and planning Dungeons and Dragons.

I have over a dozen unfinished articles sitting on my hard drive at the moment – Hades, Among Us, Prison Architect, the list goes on. Games that I’ve played that have stuck with me, made me laugh, made me rage, given me calm when little else could. Yet none of them feel worthy of MindGames. The words I use feel… lackluster. It’s strange. Every writer frets over their work. I doubt there’s a writer on the face of the planet who hasn’t second guessed their work at some point or another. Redrafts of novels, rewriting of entire episodes in tv shows, tweaking key lines in poignant movie moments – it’s all a part of the process.

Yet it’s not that I feel I need to rewrite every single article, more that by completing them, I’d be entering into a contract with myself that would demand their publication. It’s a common occurrence for me, less about how other’s will react and more about how it will gnaw into my state of mind. There’s a unfinished novel in my files, several drafts of fantasy stories that I never sought to have published, videos that I never made, thoughts I’ve never been brave enough to speak aloud. Too many thoughts.

Every time I have sat down to write recently, it’s just… not happened. It’s become a staring contest with my laptop that I could never win. There is no doubt that I want to keep building up MindGames until I can make a solid impact on the world and help people, but I think deep down I’m terrified of failure. Of failing all of you. Of failing myself. Of failing the memory of those that I’ve lost to the black dog that stalks our thoughts.

I will be back. Not regularly, at least not for a while. D&D will keep coming. Articles will return. I just… needed to get this out there. Communication is important after all – especially with yourself.

Caitlin.

What’s Going On?

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I’ve not given up on this site and the positive impact that I want it to have on the gaming community. A lot has happened in the world over the last four months, which hasn’t helped with the issues of motivation and burnout that I’ve talked about before on the site. If I’m completely honest with you all, I just haven’t wanted to write recently? Normally, I’m a very creative person. I love to build worlds and weave stories from nowhere, to sketch out goofy comics and play music. A lot of that has been sapped out of me during these trying months. What remains has to be rationed out carefully, so that the things that I hold dear don’t wither away to nothing.

The majority of my limited creativity has been laser focused on my D&D sessions with friends; in building elaborate backstories and complex plots for my characters and worlds. If I had to analyse the breakdown of my time over the last four months, I can say with certainty that outside of eating, sleeping and doing my job, I dedicate my time to escapism. Be that watching videos, binging new series, reading, playing D&D, playing Among Us or laughing at my kittens antics – I have preferred to avoid dwelling on my own mental health for too long. I’m well aware that it isn’t the healthiest approach to the world but at the moment, it’s all I can really work up the effort to achieve.

This is the sixth article I’ve tried to write over the last few months. The only thing I’ve been able to keep up with is editing together my D&D campaign episodes, which we do in podcast form. That’s what those Dungeons and Junkiez posts are all about! Yet, when it comes to writing, I keep starting pieces on games that I’ve been enjoying and rarely get past the opening sentence. Fun fact, I’m actually writing this in my web browser rather than in my usual Word Document. That’s the danger of losing motivation, it builds the association between your negative mindset and the activities that you are taking part in at the time. Part of me is scared that I won’t be able to write a proper article again, even though I know that is a bunch of rubbish my brain came up with.

Going into 2021, my main thought as I sat on my sofa, in my place, alone, on New Years Eve – a kitten on each leg, was that I didn’t want to fail you all. I know, I know, I could never fail you. Your support has always been unwavering, kind, generous, heartfelt and encouraging, no matter what I’ve produced. You are all the reason that my EGX panel even happened. I would never have taken that chance if it wasn’t for the community that stands behind me and cheers me on. MindGames wouldn’t have made it through the shitshow that was 2020 without you all. I’ve had so many dips this year, some of them deep enough that I wasn’t sure I could climb back up. Our choices mould who we become and I know that I’ve become a better person because of this site, because of this community, because you all manage to find something meaningful in my ramblings.

Right now, I’m sat at my desk in my makeshift office where I work from home. It’s where I’ve worked since I started my job back in August. Despite having good control over my hours, a positive work environment and a boss who is brilliant, I’ve struggled. Heck, I have more free time now than I did this time last year. Even whilst in my final year of university, production managing a show and holding down a part-time teaching job, I still found the time and the excitement to sit down and write about gaming and mental health for you all. Now, with all these free evenings, I struggle to cook dinner for myself. It’s weird. Depression’s a bitch.

I’m well aware that this piece doesn’t make much sense, I’m really just speaking from the heart of what’s been going on in my life for the last few months. I think the global pandemic has fucked with a lot of our mental states, which is something we need to accept. It’s ok that you’re not doing well. It’s ok that you’re anxious, that you’re afraid or you’re angry. We’ll get through this. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.

I’ll be back with a proper piece by the end of the month. I promise you all šŸ™‚

CaitlinRC

KEEPING AN OPEN MIND (EGX DIGITAL PANEL):

Here’s the transcript of the panel for those who can’t watch it, or have hearing issues!

Another big thank you to my wonderful panelists – Mxiety from mxiety.com, Becky Frost from SpecialEffect, Alex Kanaris-Sotiriou from Polygon Treehouse and Johnny Chiodini from Dicebreaker. Remember to check out all their content and follow them on Twitter – @johnneh, @Kanaratron, @mxiety, @beckyfr0st! Plus follow me – @OurMindGames/@CaitlinRC šŸ˜€

INTRO:

                     CAITLIN
        Hello everyone, welcome back to EGX 
        Digital! If this is the first panel 
        you're watching, make sure you go find 
        the others, also thank you for 
        choosing this one.



                     CAITLIN (cont'd)
        I'm - You won't know me, I'm Caitlin, 
        I run a very small site called 
        MindGames where I talk about video 
        games and mental health, and today I 
        am doing, just that, with four very 
        lovely people who will introduce 
        themselves now:


                     BECKY F
        Hi!  My name is Becky, I am the 
        community events co-coordinator at 
        SpecialEffect, which is a UK-Based 
        charity who help people with severe 
        physical-

Dog bark in the background.

                     BECKY F (cont'd)
        Immediate dog interruption there! 
        Severe physical disabilities to access 
        video games. 


                     ALEX
        Hi, I'm Alex, I'm one of the co-
        founders at Polygon Treehouse, we just 
        released RĆ³ki which is a modern 
        adventure game, which as well as being 
        a fantastical adventure, dealing with 
        Scandinavian Folklore, it also tackled 
        the themes of loss and grief and 
        reconciliation.


                     MXIETY
        Hi! I'm Mxiety, I'm a mental health 
        talk show host on Twitch and I'm also 
        an ambassador for SafeInOurWorld which 
        is a charity dedicated to bringing 
        mental health awareness to the gaming 
        world.


                     JOHNNY
        And I am Johnny, I'm Head Of Video for 
        a site called Dicebreaker, which is 
        all about tabletop games. Before then 
        I used to work in video games as part 
        of the video team at Eurogamer where I 
        did a series involving video games and 
        mental health and how they intersect. 
        And I once did a Ted-Ex talk! So 
        that's me, blowing my own trumpet.


                     CAITLIN
        No, everyone here is very good at what 
        they do, I've- thankfully everyone 
        said yes, we've got a range of people 
        who help out with charities, people 
        who have spoken about mental health 
        themselves, people who have worked on 
        games.


                     CAITLIN (cont'd)
        Rough overview of how this is going to 
        work, it's going to be about three 
        sections. So, we're going to talk 
        about representation of mental health 
        in gaming, both the good and the bad, 
        we'll talk about using gaming as a 
        coping mechanism which is a big part 
        for me, and we're going to talk about 
        the communities that get built around 
        games both as genres, as worldwide 
        communities such as those for 
        Dicebreaker and Eurogamer and then 
        we'll round it off!

REPRESENTATION:

                     CAITLIN
        We'll hop right into representation. 
        Personally, I'm very open about my 
        mental health. I suffer from 
        depression, anxiety and post-traumatic 
        stress. I'm very open about these 
        things and obviously, not everyone is 
        and seeing people who suffer from the 
        same conditions as myself in video 
        games can be a very positive or 
        negative experience. So, for example, 
        one of my favorite games is What 
        Remains Of Edith Finch and it's 
        representation of depression with 
        Edith's brother. It's a brilliant 
        sequence, if you haven;t played the 
        game I definitely recommend it, but it 
        is a very well told story of someone 
        who is struggling and yeah, if we open 
        the floor to where people have seen 
        representation they like, maybe one's 
        they don't like. Go for it!


                     MXIETY
        There is - I'll just start, I'll run 
        on, cause I do love this stuff and I 
        discuss it on my channel. There is 
        some awesome representation of how to 
        help somebody through a mental health 
        crisis in Stardew Valley. A lot of 
        people in general find that game 
        relaxing and soothing, it puts you to 
        ease, its very, you know, redundant 
        tasks that as you approach them they 
        become easier and easier to do, so 
        it's very easy to lose yourself and 
        lose the time that you've spent in 
        this game. As you get to know the 
        characters, you have different events 
        that happen and one of the events that 
        happens is you encounter, if you get 
        very close to Shane, you encounter 
        that he has a suicidal episode where 
        he wishes to end his life and you get 
        to have a few choices and it generally 
        steers you in the proper direction of 
        what to say that would help him and 
        the ultimate goal is, he wakes up, it 
        flashes over to the medical center and 
        he wakes up and thanks you for 
        bringing him in and tells you that he 
        will be getting help from 
        professionals and that you did a 
        really good job not trying to take it 
        on yourself but by bringing him where 
        he would get the help he needs. And I 
        think that overall that's a very well 
        put together message and the whole 
        scene is about like ten minutes, but 
        it has a really big impact and I 
        remember watching it and pointing at 
        it going "THIS IS SO GOOD, SO GOOD!"


                     ALEX
        One of the games that I played and I 
        found really powerful was Celeste. I 
        came to it quite late and I think I 
        had an idea, I knew it was meant to be 
        this super hard platforming game. It 
        wasn't quite, I wasn't expecting it to 
        impact me as emotionally as it did. I 
        think just the-guessing in what we try 
        and do with our game and telling a 
        story through the game play and in 
        Celeste you are gradually climbing 
        this mountain and overcoming this 
        great big barrier. I found that was 
        really powerful even though second by 
        second and minute by minute you're 
        doing all this platforming and story, 
        it was really well told. I think one 
        of the really powerful things about 
        games and tackling mental health is 
        that it doesn't have to be in your 
        face the whole time, in Celeste it 
        gives you a breathing space. That's 
        definitely something we tried to do 
        with RĆ³ki,its almost like you have, 
        you can deal with some of these topics 
        and you can allow breathing space for 
        the player to reflect on these things, 
        they need time to take it all in. I 
        think that generally it's really 
        interesting that games tackle some of 
        these issues on a big variety of 
        levels and I think its really nice, 
        its quite a powerful thing to allow 
        people - a) if they have mental health 
        issues to see people struggling or 
        dealing with some of those issues and 
        also for people who want an insight, a 
        way of stepping into someone else's 
        shoes a little bit and maybe 
        encouraging a bit of empathy and less 
        fear of mental health and what it is.


                     JOHNNY
        Go for it Becky (Eye Gaze Girl).

                     BECKY F
        I wish I'd gone first cause I was 
        totally going to talk about Celeste! 
        But just going back to what Caitlin 
        said and What Remains Of Edith Finch, 
        was something I watched my husband  
        play through recently, we kinda play 
        through together, and the variety of 
        different issues, I'm aware of not 
        wanting to give any spoilers, like the 
        different characters that you visit 
        throughout the game, represented so 
        many different issues from like loss 
        and grieving to PTSD to paranoia. 
        There were so many mental health 
        issues explored, going through a 
        trauma, that kind of thing. It's one 
        of those amazing games that seems, 
        from my perspective that seems to 
        present each topic quite sensitively 
        as far as I could see from my 
        perspective.


                     JOHNNY
        I think for me, it feels somewhat 
        obvious but I think Life Is Strange 
        was a really big one for me in terms 
        of its - particularly the first season 
        and the prequel Before The Storm for 
        me, were such a powerful exercise in 
        empathy. Every character if you dig 
        deep enough has something going on. 
        Its not necessarily a diagnosable 
        mental health condition or anything 
        like that, it is so, its central 
        themes are so wrapped up in the idea 
        that being a teenager is hard, and 
        that there is a lot to deal with 
        because you are literally learning how 
        to be a person whilst there's all this 
        other stuff going on. Obviously it 
        does tackle more direct themes for 
        example in the first season there is a 
        very poignant scene involving an 
        attempted suicide, the repercussions 
        of that echo through the rest of the 
        game. There's also nice little 
        incidental moments that you can miss 
        as well, for example you can find some 
        antidepressants in your best friends 
        bathroom, and it never comes up in 
        conversation between the two of them 
        but the protagonist takes a moment to 
        be like "Oh wow, they have been going 
        through some stuff whilst I've not 
        been talking to them." I think Life Is 
        Strange has been really important in 
        terms fob building a community that is 
        comfortable talking about mental 
        illness and supporting one another and 
        accessing resources in a way that is 
        really impressive and quite moving I 
        think.


                     CAITLIN
        I agree with that, I think a lot of 
        that came during Before The Storm. As 
        much as Kate was the main poignant 
        focus when it came to tackling mental 
        health issues in the first season but 
        then you dig, in Before The Storm, you 
        dig into Chloe coping with her 
        father's death and the changes, and 
        then Rachel dealing with well... all 
        of that:

                     JOHNNY
        Everything.

                     CAITLIN
        Everything! And I found like a lot of 
        people took moments from that and 
        essentially managed to attach 
        reosurces and things to it. So 
        whenever people went back and 
        revisited those moments they'd find 
        lots of posts with resources and 
        references - it was very nice.

                     JOHNNY
        Yeah.

                     MXIETY
        Its always between that and Stardew 
        Valley when it comes to representation 
        and then another one that I think 
        people don't expect in- And I know I 
        already went and I'm sorry!

Laughter from all.

                     CAITLIN
        No it's fine!

                     MXIETY
        Another one that I think people don't 
        expect is Kingdom Hearts or I think 
        they don't read into it as much. But 
        one of the characters LITERALLY treads 
        through darkness, her own darkness for 
        TEN years and-

                     CAITLIN
        Oh Aqua!

                     MXIETY
        Yeah! And when she's constantly told 
        that she's not worthy, her friends 
        dont love her, theyre not gonna come 
        save her, shes not good enough, she 
        will never help anybody, like all this 
        stuff that literally are things 
        depression tells you, and so its not 
        as like - Life Is Strange is very much 
        "here are mental health themes" right 
        and you're prepared for it. But I feel 
        that Kingdom Hearts is one of those 
        where you learn empathy through the 
        means of "oh I'm just playing a game, 
        I've got to save this person out of 
        darkness!" Darkness is a common 
        metaphor for how we feel inside and 
        "bad things". You can totally gloss 
        over it or you can stop for a moment 
        and be like "woah, she's been 
        depressed for 10 years."

                     CAITLIN
        When you go from Donald Duck's voice 
        to a heavy montage about depression, 
        its a little bit jarring.



                     MXIETY
        But they get you! They get you.


                     BECKY F
        That's one of the great things about 
        games and that form of storytelling, 
        that you are in many cases playing 
        through the protgaonist or playing 
        through the person who is going 
        through it or dealing with it or 
        helping someone deal withh it in some 
        way. And if you're a good writer you 
        can write something that sweeps you 
        off your feet and hits you in that way 
        like you've just described.

                     ALEX
        Probably one of the really powerful 
        things about video games in tackling 
        mental health issues is that, as a 
        player, you're an active part of the 
        story. And so, you're playing through 
        a scenario in a different way to 
        watching a film or reading a book, you 
        have to make choices about the 
        scenarios you've been placed in and it 
        puts you in someone else's shoes and 
        makes you consider things from 
        different people's perspectives and 
        maybe even if its tackling issues that 
        someone maybe has dealt with, by 
        taking you out of your skin and 
        putting you in someone else's - 
        slightly removed from yourself, you 
        may  allow people to work through 
        things they're dealing with in the 
        real world.

                     CAITLIN
        It's interesting to see how games 
        tackle it as some games do 
        brilliantly, such as the ones we've 
        discussed, such as big titles like 
        Senuas Sacrifice which is very well 
        researched into psychosis. Then 
        obviously you have ones that try but 
        often fall flat. For me, I appreciate 
        them trying.

                     ALEX
        From a developer point of view, when 
        making a game you get quite close to 
        it. Its hard to see what it is 
        sometimes. I think we tried really 
        hard with the story of Roki, in it the 
        hero Tove, she's- you don't really get 
        lots of exposition at the start, we 
        just drop you into the game and don't 
        really tell you whats going on and 
        allow the player to explore the 
        scenarios and what's happening but it 
        does deal with themes of loss. When 
        you're making a game, you're trying to 
        make sure that you're making a game 
        that takes the matter seriously but 
        also engages people and isn't too 
        didactic. At the end of three years 
        you're a bit too close so you don't 
        really know how the story or the 
        themes are going to land. From that 
        side it's really interesting and we 
        were really relieved to the response 
        that those things that we weren't that 
        sure that people would even pick up on 
        them, in fact we've been quite shocked 
        by some of the-pleasantly shocked- 
        messages we received from people 
        saying "that really reminded me of 
        this" and "thank you for doing this", 
        we had some really amazing messages 
        and sometimes things we hadn't even 
        considered. That's the other thing. 
        People will project onto your game, or 
        onto a game that they're playing, will 
        start to fill in some blanks with 
        their own experiences. You'll find as 
        a developer that things may resonate 
        with people in ways that you don't 
        expect and again, that's a really 
        powerful thing about games. 

                     JOHNNY
        I think it's a relief that at least 
        off the top of my head, while there 
        are games out there that do get mental 
        health representation wrong, I don't 
        see malice in the intent to develop 
        those games. It feels like where there 
        are harmful depictions of mental 
        health, its because they are playing 
        to a cliche. For example, Outlast is a 
        very scary game but its also set in an 
        asylum for no discernible reason. 
        Whereas, you know, there are other 
        games like the Town of Light for 
        example, that reviewed very well and 
        people really felt like their 
        depiction of the abandoned asylum in 
        Italy was very tastefully done. I 
        personally had issues with it, but 
        that's another part of the puzzle, is 
        that everyone is different and that 
        everyone is going to bring their own 
        stuff to the table. Where I felt like 
        it actually failed the protagonist by 
        revealing at one moment that the 
        aslyum, which is shown as this 
        horrible oppressive atmosphere, 
        they've actually got it right and 
        there is something wrong with her and 
        you can't trust her as a narrator. It 
        felt like it undid a lot of the games 
        message for me but thats something I 
        took from it and not necessarily 
        others, so its a difficult ground to 
        tread. And as I understand it, 
        development is not easy under any 
        circumstance so its a relief that 
        there arent people out there 
        deliberately trying to be like "We're 
        going to tackle mental health, in a 
        really awful way in this game."


                     CAITLIN
        Yeah, I think mental health is you 
        can't get it right entirely when it 
        comes to producing a game. Whether 
        you're dealing with loss like in Roki, 
        whether you're dealing with depression 
        and suicide, everyones experience of 
        mental health is unique, its entirely 
        based on your life experiences, how 
        you react to it, your biological 
        makeup. It's - you can't get it 
        perfect but you can make a difference 
        and I think that's what a lot of game 
        develoeprs are going for now and its 
        making a difference, which is the main 
        thing.

                     ALEX
        The interesting thing with Roki, I 
        don't think we ever really set out to 
        make a game about loss, we actually 
        started off with a fantastical 
        adventure and Scandinavian folklore, 
        and then you know when you look and 
        say - ok we want to make realistic 
        characters. They are quite stylised 
        and cartoony looking but the thing is, 
        if you want to make realistic 
        characters, everyone is dealing with 
        something. No-one is "normal", 
        everyone is working through something 
        and actualy in some ways if you're 
        going to make an interesting 
        character, they're always going to be 
        dealing with something, so what is 
        "that", is it an exterior threat or do 
        you look internally at what makes an 
        interesting character and start to 
        draw from some of your own 
        experiences. I think more of the 
        prominence of mental health issues in 
        games are people drawing from their 
        own experinces and wanting to make 
        interesting and believable characters, 
        comes from conflict and them having to 
        work through something, which is 
        exciting to see developers drawing on 
        their own experiences or their teams 
        experiences and creating characters 
        that are more nuanced and working 
        through things in their games.


                     CAITLIN
        If anyone else has any other points, 
        feel free to go for it, if not, I'm 
        gonna segway. I wish I had an actual 
        segway, that'd make that funny. I'd 
        fall off though, its fine.

                     JOHNNY
        They're not street legal in the UK!

                     CAITLIN
        Oh yeah, they're not.

                     BECKY F
        Wait what

                     MXIETY
        Dissapointment.

                     JOHNNY
        You can only use a segway on private 
        land in the UK.

                     BECKY F
        Oh man. My commute has been ruined.



                     JOHNNY
        Sorry, we derailed your segway. What 
        were you going to say?

                     BECKY F
        Oh yeah!

General laughter from the group.

SUPPORT:

                     CAITLIN
        We're gonna move into gaming as a 
        coping mechanism which is a big point 
        for me! I'm gonna show a little video 
        from one of SpecialEffect's folks, 
        Becky who is also as "Eye Gaze Girl".

                     BECKY F
        She has severe quadriplegic cerebral 
        palsy, so she uses eye-gaze which is 
        an eye controlled system. So, Becky 
        (Eye Gaze Girl) was kind enough to 
        record this.

Video of Becky (Eye Gaze Girl) aka Eye Gaze Girl is playing:

                     BECKY (EYE GAZE GIRL)
        Hi guys, this is Eye Gaze Girl, also 
        known as Becky. Video games are so 
        much fun and I like designing things 
        and exploring virtual worlds. I like 
        the challenge of some games, and 
        finding different ways to be creative. 
        When I play video games, I lose myself 
        in the game as it allows me to relax 
        and forget my troubles. In my everyday 
        life I am faced with many challenges 
        and struggles. This cans ometimes make 
        me feel upset and frustrated but over 
        the years and with the help of 
        SpecialEffect, I have had support to 
        find the right adaptive equipment and 
        what works well for me to enable me to 
        plah video games and that help has 
        been invaluable. There are lots of 
        things that I cant do myself but I can 
        play video games on my own which gives 
        me a good sense of independence and 
        achievement. I love playing video 
        games with my friends and it has given 
        me more in common with them and has 
        allowed me to be totally included in 
        the fun as an equal player. I think it 
        has changed the way that my friends 
        see me and it makes me feel less 
        disabled. Having access to video games 
        has changed my life and brought me 
        happiness when I've felt sad. To 
        others they are just video games but 
        they are so much more than that. 
        Goodbye.

Footage returns to the main panel screen with the 5
panelists.

                     BECKY F
        So Becky spoke a few years ago at one 
        of our - we have a winter get together 
        at the SpecialEffect offices, and she 
        did a whole speech on how 
        SpecialEFfect have been helping her 
        and one of my favourite memories from 
        that is she was just describing the 
        games that she was playing. Like the 
        stuff she was doing in Minecraft, she 
        was building a theatre and putting on 
        a play with her friends - which is 
        that community and escapism element of 
        games. And these shared experiences 
        that I think everyone has with games 
        in some way or another. Like she was 
        saying how she loved playing the Sims 
        and she loved killing them off in 
        different ways! It was brilliant to 
        see this really sweet little girl 
        being like "Yes, I love to kill them 
        in different ways nyehehe!" and all 
        the adults in the room going 
        "Haha...." and then anyone whose ever 
        played the Sims before going... "I've 
        done that." 

                     CAITLIN
        Anyone who has played the Sims...

                     JOHNNY
        You just sell the pool ladder!


                     MXIETY
        What happens if I remove this door?

                     BECKY F
        Take that ladder out the pool, there 
        you go! It's just that shared 
        inclusion and community.

                     CAITLIN
        I think especially right now with 
        obviously the whole situation going on 
        in the world, the worldwide nature of 
        games has been a very big way to bring 
        people together. Like, obviously its 
        not the same as being able to sit down 
        and play in person but you still get 
        to talk to people, you get to meet new 
        people, like I've got a couple games 
        with brand new groups that I hadn't 
        met before lock down, that we now all 
        meet and play fairly regularly. Its a 
        good way to meet new people and just 
        be able to escape from the world for a 
        while.

                     ALEX
        I think one of the things that some 
        games, even if they're not really 
        intended to, can be quite meditative 
        in the way its played. If its like a 
        simple thing, something that's very 
        absorbing, obviously everyone at the 
        moment is very worried about all 
        manner of things like - everything is 
        very concerning at the moment. So 
        having games as a way of unhooking 
        your brain or hooking your brain into 
        something else, and for a period of 
        time getting out of a cycle of 
        thinking about things is a really 
        powerful thing about games. One of the 
        games I really like to play to unwind 
        is Baba Is You. It's really like, 
        logic problem about how you pair 
        things together and you really have to 
        focus, there's no time pressure, the 
        music is kinda cool... In weird ways 
        some of the games that you dont expect 
        to be that relaxing, for example I'm a 
        big fan of the From Software games and 
        I find them quite relaxing to play in 
        a weird way. Even though they're quite 
        hardcore, there's something about them 
        being so absorbing and you have to be 
        there, and focus on it, you can't 
        really be thinking about anything 
        else. Then there's games that are just 
        chill like Animal Crossing.

                     BECKY F
        I've been playing TownScaper recently. 
        Its just this little tool where you 
        build a town but the sound design, 
        there's something about it that just 
        mesmerises me, and I'm just like "Ooh, 
        plinky plonky, put down the town. 
        Lovely"

                     CAITLIN
        Plinky Plonky?

                     BECKY F
        Plinky plonky music!

                     CAITLIN
        Thats how I program!

                     MXIETY
        Tetris is another one that has been 
        proven to help. First of all it helps 
        prevent PTSD, the research if I'm not 
        mistaken, correct me if I am, the 
        research was that if you give somebody 
        Tetris to play after a traumatic event 
        they are less likely to lock in that 
        traumatic event and therefore less 
        likely to develop PTSD. And that was 
        really interesting, as in my 
        childhood, growing up with a rather 
        traumatic childhood, I played a lot of 
        Tetris! And looking back at it, I was 
        like "Oh my god, I didn't even know it 
        was a coping mechanism!" It was a way 
        for me to walk away and step away, and 
        then okay we're arguing here, ok I'm 
        going to walk away and just play 
        Tetris. Like I had this little, 
        literally a screen that had five 
        hundred games on it that were all 
        block and cube based and so I had 
        Tetris and to this day, when I get 
        stressed out or something, I sit down 
        and play Tetris. Although, Nintendo 
        has made it a little stressful with 
        Tetris 99, it's still awesome and I 
        still love it and I still find it very 
        soothing and removing from the current 
        environment, like Alex was saying. And 
        putting you in somewhere else.

                     JOHNNY
        I think one of the remarkable things 
        about seeking out that experience, and 
        its something that video games are 
        very well positioned to deliver is 
        consistency. You know some people when 
        they're stressed they'll go for a walk 
        or they'll read a book or they'll cook 
        something or whatever it is. Obviously 
        variables can get in teh way, it might 
        be raining, they might be fatigued and 
        the walk just isn't rewarding or 
        whatever. Video games by their very 
        nature, every time you boot them up, 
        they're largely the same. You get the 
        same exprience from Tetris, be that 
        playing against 98 other people on the 
        Internet versus a 500 game screen. For 
        me, STardew Valley is a really good 
        game to you know, switch off and with 
        that I know like I'll wake up, here 
        are my animals, here are the tasks 
        that I have to do today, the music is 
        always a delight and its that 
        consistency but combined with that 
        sense of agency I think that really 
        makes it such a useful media to step 
        into. Although, I have to say, I 
        didn't know anything about the mental 
        health representation in Stardew 
        Valley because when I play it, I don't 
        talk to anyone. 

                     MXIETY
        That's a way to cope too right?

                     JOHNNY
        Yeah! Exactly. My player is a hermit 
        basically, I go into town every few 
        weeks to buy seeds whereas there is 
        still one person that I have not met 
        and I'm on Year 3 or 4? Just cause I 
        like plugging away at my farm. 

                     CAITLIN
        There must be urban legends about the 
        farmer.

                     JOHNNY
        Yes. The man with the mayonnaise 
        empire. I think they call me.

Laughter ensues.

                     MXIETY
        Mayonnaise costs a lot of money! I get 
        it!

                     CAITLIN
        I get it too, I just don't like 
        mayonnaise in real life so the idea of 
        running a mayonnaise empire is 
        horrifying. 

                     JOHNNY
        That's where the money is. 

                     BECKY F
        There's money in the mayonnaise stand. 

                     CAITLIN
        Stardew and Animal Crossing have been 
        a big one for kind of a sense of 
        accomplishment. 

                     BECKY F
        I was saying before we started 
        recording, that part of my job with 
        SpecialEffect is to go to the real 
        world events, which are obviously... 
        Hi EGX!

Waving at camera.

                     BECKY F (cont'd)
        I was saying that I miss certain 
        things that I didn't think I'd miss, 
        like the train travel and the Tube and 
        the Underground and all that. I miss 
        that to an extent that I've started 
        building a SpecialEffect stand in 
        Animal Crossing and we do a 
        SpecialEffect stream every other 
        Friday and we've had guests come to 
        the SpecialEffect stand in Animal 
        Crossing. There's this really nice 
        kind of, familiarity and you can build 
        that nice space to enjoy for yourself 
        and yeah... It's been a weird time.

                     CAITLIN
        That is an understatement.

Sounds of agreement.

                     ALEX
        With Animal Crossing its almost like a 
        bonsai tree isn't it, you can get 
        things just how you want them, almost 
        like you're constructing this safe 
        space, somewhere you feel really 
        comfortable and have control over. 
        Yeah, I've played it, I've made a Twin 
        Peaks island, so I've made like the 
        lodge and then I had a diner and its 
        the kind of thing like "Oh I'll get 
        this" and you slowly build up this 
        thing and its a very rewarding thing 
        to keep on leveling up and leveling up 
        until you step back and go "my 
        kingdom". 

                     BECKY F
        My mayonnaise empire!

                     CAITLIN
        That's the name of the panel now.

                     JOHNNY
        Nooooo! My hidden shame!

                     CAITLIN
        No, I've found... I had an experience 
        the other day, I had a really down 
        day. I managed to get up and do, I've 
        been doing Ring-Fit Adventure. I 
        managed to do my Ring-Fit for the day 
        and that was my only achievement for 
        that day, apart from getting out of 
        bed which always counts. But it's... 
        games do have that, like with Stardew, 
        you get to the next day and you've 
        sold your items and fed your animals 
        and you do feel like you've achieved 
        something. Its something that is 
        tangible, compared to the rest of the 
        world.

                     BECKY F
        Grounding.

                     CAITLIN
        Yeah, grounding, that is a word.

                     JOHNNY
        I've started using Ring-Fit adventure 
        a lot recently, as like a lot of 
        people I've stopped leaving the house 
        very much because of COVID 
        restrictions, I've stopped exercising 
        at all and yeah, it's been really 
        nice, a really nice motivator, just to 
        go on it and be like "alright, well I 
        may not do as much as I did yesterday 
        or maybe I'll do a bit more, it 
        doesn't really matter as long as I 
        strap a joy-con to my leg and sort of 
        bounce around the living room for a 
        bit. I think that game is a really 
        good example of "gameifying" - as 
        annoying as that word is, things that 
        are good for you. Its a very, its all 
        positivity. It doesn't guilt trip you 
        at all as a game, it doesn't say "oh 
        you didnt do as well today as you have 
        before" or its been X number of days 
        since we last saw you, its all just 
        like "You're doing great! Keep going! 
        You need to stand up now but take your 
        time! Are you drinking enough water?" 
        Like, its a game that is just 
        delighted you've shown up. And I think 
        that is something that is really nice 
        for people to get as a targeted form 
        of feedback, especially if they may 
        not get that from other avenues in 
        life.

                     ALEX
        The fact that it has the Yoga stuff in 
        it, the relaxation things in it, its 
        not just about bulking up or getting 
        stronger, its also about balance and 
        relaxation as well which feels very 
        well rounded. I really enjoy it, I was 
        really skeptical cause I thought it 
        might be quite gimmicky, so I think a 
        lot of people have maybe expected it 
        to be quite gimmicky, and then given 
        it a go and were like "wow this feels 
        like really well considered and really 
        fun to play and really inviting." I 
        find it really, quite a chilled place 
        to be. 

                     MXIETY
        Unlike, if everyone remembers the Wii 
        Fit Board which was a judgemental 
        bastard. 

Laughter.

                     CAITLIN
        Yes it was!

                     MXIETY
        It had a lot to say about your weight, 
        about how long it's been, you know, 
        that was an attempt at creating a 
        fitness game that did motivate quite a 
        few people and got people into 
        exercising but like I feel that Ring-
        Fit adventure does a way better, way 
        more inviting approach, to kind of 
        echo what you were saying. A way more 
        inviting job of doing the same thing. 

                     CAITLIN
        Its a bit like that person who walks 
        past you in a crowd that just gives 
        you a side-eye for no reason.

                     BECKY F
        That's hopefully a good example of 
        Nintendo getting it, not quite right 
        the first time, and then listening to 
        community feedback and I think, just 
        going back to what we were saying 
        about how you can never really get it 
        100% right with mental health 
        representation in games, and that's 
        ok, as the experience is different for 
        every single person, any community 
        manager can tell you, you're never 
        going to please everybody. But there 
        are things that people can do as 
        writers, developers, game makers in 
        general to try and get it as right as 
        possible, and talking to charities 
        such as SafeInOurWorld can really help 
        with that so I encourage people tor 
        each out, speak to your community, 
        cause there will be community members 
        who go through different things and 
        just... talk to people and 
        SafeInOurWorld are a fantastic 
        resource for that. 

                     MXIETY
        Thank you for plugging the charity 
        that I should be plugging.

                     BECKY F
        You're welcome! Cross charity plugging 
        there!

                     CAITLIN
        Everyone plug each other, it makes 
        things easier.

                     ALEX
        I think from an indie developer point 
        of view, as well, its really good to 
        get, if you are making a game that's 
        going to tackle some issues, whatever 
        they may be, its good to get extra 
        eyes on your game, especially if 
        you're a tiny team - like we do a lot 
        of user testing and focus testing 
        stuff, not just about if the puzzle is 
        too hard, its also about the themes 
        and the writing. I think if you are 
        quite close to something, its always 
        good to get an extra perspective and 
        different things will resonate with 
        different people, its always good to 
        see not just you as testing your 
        design but also the story and themes 
        and seeing how they land with people 
        and just like whether people, whether 
        there's anything they find problematic 
        about it, and sometimes it can be 
        quite subtle things but its always 
        good to do. Yeah, I think user testing 
        and getting other eyes on your game 
        cause you're quite close to it, is 
        just a really good thing to do - just 
        to get different people's perspectives 
        on things and see what things they 
        take from it.

                     MXIETY
        I think that really nicely segways 
        into community!

                     CAITLIN
        Yes!

                     BECKY F
        It's as if we planned it!

                     CAITLIN
        Planning here? In this house? At this 
        time of year? - 

                     BECKY F
        In this house we do not plan!

                     CAITLIN
        I love how you go for "in this house 
        we do not plan" and I just immediately 
        went for-

                     JOHNNY
        Steamed hams.

                     CAITLIN
        Steamed hams. 

                     JOHNNY
        There it is.

                     CAITLIN
        My age is showing. I went for the 
        meme. 

COMMUNITY:

                     CAITLIN
        Community is a very big thing and the 
        idea of one person speaking up 
        encouraging another, giving someone 
        else the courage to be able to speak 
        up is actually why I started my site 
        in the first place. It's very much 
        like games recently have been doing a 
        lot more where they are opening up 
        those conversations and those 
        opportunities for people to either 
        reach out for help or to find people 
        who-


                     CAITLIN (cont'd)
        Mental health is a very isolating 
        thing. You feel like something is 
        wrong with you, you feel like you are 
        the only one in that situation, you 
        feel that people will not understand 
        and I think games are doing a very 
        good job recently of building those 
        communities where you realise, as much 
        as your experience is unique, you 
        aren't alone. (which is dramatic)

                     MXIETY
        I don't think thats dramatic at all!

                     BECKY F
        No that was great! I have a great 
        example of that from the SpecialEFfect 
        volunteer squad.

                     CAITLIN
        Go for it!

                     BECKY F
        We have a great number of members, 
        they're all absolutely amazing. Shout 
        out to the squad. I'm still calling it 
        a squad. I'm staying in 2016, thank 
        you very much. Two of my volunteers 
        both have BPD (Borderline Personality 
        Disorder) and one of them was talking 
        about it on social media and they had 
        followed each other and the other one 
        was just diagnosed and really 
        struggling with it. They ended up 
        chatting and connecting and making 
        good friends and just being there for 
        each other really. And its just this 
        wonderful example of how, if you're 
        comfortable talking about your mental 
        health struggles or just talking to 
        people generally. And again, this word 
        is a bit like gameification, in that 
        its been going around all over the 
        place but just normalising the idea of 
        talking about mental health as 
        something that everyone goes through 
        in one way or another. And that's, 
        I've seen first hand how much that can 
        help people and its been a really 
        lovely thing to watch. 

                     CAITLIN
        Normalising is spot on, the word, of 
        kind of, because it is completely 
        normal! Statistically, I think it's 
        one in four people now will suffer 
        from a mental health condition in 
        their lifetime. And it's normal, its 
        not, its not something that needs to 
        be completely fixed or removed, like 
        for me, I've very much accepted that 
        as much as my conditions affect me, it 
        is also a part of me and it does 
        impact the decisions that I've made. 
        Like I wouldn't be sat here doing this 
        if it wasn't for what I've been 
        through and obviously there are some 
        bits I wish I could've skipped or hit 
        "no thank you" on, but these 
        experiences make you the people that 
        you are and I think its... games 
        allowing people to realise that and to 
        go "No, you aren't alone, look 
        around." And its more of a - cause 
        obviously if someone tells you that 
        you aren't alone, it's a bit like when 
        someone tells you to calm down when 
        you're having an anxiety attack. 
        Really. I never thought of that. Thank 
        you.

                     MXIETY
        Very helpful.

                     CAITLIN
        So helpful

                     BECKY F
        Have you tried not being depressed?

General groaning from the panel.

                     BECKY F (cont'd)
        Oh thanks Barbara!

                     MXIETY
        Nobody with depression has ever tried 
        not being depressed. Or smiling, or 
        just laughing or my favourite, just 
        enjoying a sunset. You know, stuff 
        like that, or doing yoga. The list is 
        endless, you can tell, I can go on. 
        But in terms of community, my 
        community was literally built around 
        talking about mental health in a open 
        way and that has been the biggest 
        honour from starting a community, I 
        remember my first stream. Sitting very 
        nervous, swallowing hard and being 
        like "Okay... So I have depression and 
        uhhh yeah." To a place where its 
        bigger than any one person in our 
        community, where its an idea, a 
        concept, we've created this idea of Be 
        The Light, which is you know, if you 
        feel like the world is dark and people 
        are crap and nobody will be kind to 
        you, try to go out there and initiate 
        that kindness and love and whatever 
        else you're looking for yourself, give 
        that to somebody else and maybe you'll 
        get it back. Mental health is, like 
        you said, just health but your mental 
        health. There's physicQal health and 
        then there's mental health and just 
        because you don't suffer from a 
        diagnosable condition in your life, 
        doesn't mean you'll never feel down 
        and like you're worthless or useless 
        or your efforts were for nothing or 
        any of those things that people will 
        depression can get to extremes. Just 
        recognising that it is - like if I 
        have to listen to - poor Barbara we've 
        been picking on her - but if I have to 
        listen to Barbara tell me about her 
        husbands back condition and you know, 
        he's getting surgery and I sit in my - 
        when I used to be in an office, I used 
        to listen and give empathy, I feel 
        like I should be able to also tell 
        back to Barbara you know, I really 
        felt depressed and I had a hard time 
        yesterday and I couldn't get out of 
        bed so that's why I wasn't at work and 
        not be judged for it. If we can 
        create, the more media in general that 
        we can create that makes that normal, 
        the more normal it is for people 
        coming up in the world and that's it - 
        that's the goal of SafeInOurWorld, 
        that's the goal of really just being 
        human and just accepting what the 
        human condition is, with all of its 
        negatives and positives.

                     COOOOOOOOOOOOOOP##ILLLLLAITLIN
        Damn.;;OO

                     ALL
        ThatY;O was awesome, really well said, 
        wow.


                     JOHNNY
        I think really, the only thing I have 
        to follow that, like you know I've 
        tried to do community facing stuff 
        with mental health as part of my work 
        but I have a group of friends that I 
        play Sea of Thieves with a lot and 
        before you go out sailing in Sea of 
        Thieves, its a really good idea to 
        stock up on cannon balls and fruit and 
        planks of wood and just general 
        supplies. I don't really know when it 
        started but that time has sort of just 
        become the bit where we check in on 
        one another. Because no-one is doing 
        anything particularly complicated but 
        it takes up about ten to fifteen 
        minutes and its always at the start of 
        an evening, so it'd be like "Hey, hows 
        it going" but more often than not its 
        got to the point where its like "Hows 
        it going" and you be like "Rubbish 
        here's why" and bang we're straight 
        into mental health discussion which is 
        nice cause it carries on for as long 
        as we need it to, then we go "right 
        shall we go to see" like "yeyeyeye", 
        and immediately just go into dumb 
        pirate fun. And- I don't know but 
        there's just something about Sea of 
        Thieves and the small community of 
        friends that I'm  a part of, as we 
        play regularly, they just sort of 
        clicked and it meant that we've sort 
        of accidentally built up a sort of 
        boozey support group for one another. 
        Which is pleasant.

                     CAITLIN
        No I mean, like the people that know 
        me more personally will know that I've 
        been a big part of certain communities 
        for a good few years now, through some 
        of the more formative experiences of 
        my life. A lot of these people that I 
        play games and things with now, we 
        have an unspoken system where it's - 
        you do understand when someone is 
        having an off day or when someone 
        needs to step away because their 
        anxiety is peaking or something. 
        Having the games around that gives 
        something that - I mean for me, one of 
        my main issues with anxiety is that 
        when you're about to have an anxiety 
        attack, part of that anxiety comes 
        from then being the center of 
        attention during that moment. It's 
        like "NO THANK YOU", and having 
        something central to focus on like a 
        game and stepping away from the mic 
        for a while, has allowed a lot of 
        people to be more vocal.

                     BECKY F
        I mean, hopefully, in the future when 
        things are "back to normal", although 
        I'm loathe to use that term, that will 
        make having that conversation and 
        saying "Look, I'm not okay in this 
        situation or I'm feeling really 
        overwhelmed and need to go be quiet 
        for a bit.", that'll normalise being 
        able to say that and make it a more 
        accepted thing that people just do. 
        Its just so important to be able to 
        just remove yourself from the 
        situation occasionally, so hopefully 
        that is a bit more normalised in the 
        future. 

                     CAITLIN
        I've found that events have a lot more 
        safe spaces and quiet zones nowadays, 
        which is very much appreciated. Like 
        they have quiet zone tents and stuff, 
        I know CheckPoint had one at EGX in 
        October - I don't know, time is a 
        madness.

                     JOHNNY
        There's also the AFK rooms at PAX, 
        which are delightful. I went to one 
        when I was really anxious before a 
        panel I had to run, as I was 
        interviewing Mike Pondsmith so it was 
        proper bucket list stuff for me. So I 
        went and sat there in this nice little 
        atrium, at one point somebody came 
        over and whispered to me to ask if I 
        wanted some water and apart from that 
        it was just this little oasis of calm. 
        You know, occasionally you do 
        accidentally make eye contact with 
        someone and you both give each other a 
        little smile. I was able to step out 
        straight back into an Arcade Zone that 
        had loads of laser sound effects going 
        off at ear splitting volumes. And it 
        was such a brilliant lifeline. Its 
        nice that those spaces are becoming 
        more common but I wish they would 
        become a bit more prevalent.

                     CAITLIN
        I think these big events where we can 
        all come together about something we 
        really enjoy, like video games - I 
        think once we have a community 
        understanding that "these are needed" 
        rather than a fun little extra.

                     ALEX
        I think also the presence of those 
        sort of zones at the events is really 
        good to highlight to people as an 
        option there. People might not even 
        have considered "why do I feel a 
        certain way several hours into this 
        day. There's this thing on the map, 
        what is it?", they may not even 
        identify that have a need within 
        themselves. We were pretty fortunate 
        that the CheckPoint one was very close 
        to where we were demoing Roki so it 
        was really nice to basically be able 
        to step out, sit on a beanbag and just 
        have some time. Yeah I think it's, 
        there's a need there and the fact that 
        the people who are aware of it can go 
        and utilise it and its really good for 
        raising the visibility of people who 
        don't quite know if they need it, if 
        that makes sense.

CONCLUSION:

                     CAITLIN
        Yeah. And on that note, I think we 
        will round things up cause we may chat 
        all day otherwise. And we all have 
        other things to do! I want to say a 
        big thank you to the four of you for 
        joining me for this, it means a great 
        deal to me and I hope it will mean a 
        great deal to anyone watching this.

                     JOHNNY
        And thanks to you for running such a 
        nice, well-rounded panel. It's been 
        really nice to come on here and have a 
        chat.

                     BECKY F
        Yeah absolutely.

                     MXIETY
        Yes thank you!

                     CAITLIN
        I hope everyone else enjoys the rest 
        of EGX Digital, be sure to check out 
        everyone's links. Be sure to check out 
        SpecialEffect, SafeInOurWorld, Roki 
        and Dicebreaker! [Awkward pause] And 
        me as well! I forgot myself!

                     JOHNNY
        Yeah absolutely!

                     BECKY F
        Do go to MindGames, it's a fantastic 
        resource, honestly.

                     CAITLIN
        And I hope everyone has a lovely day! 
        Be sure to take time for yourself if 
        you need it.

END.

Burnout ā€“ Suffering In HD:

Sadly, we are not talking about the racing game. Partly because Iā€™ve never played it and partly because my racing knowledge is extremely limited, so the article would have as much motorsport commentary as the staff working the Legoland Driving School. Instead, we are talking about the negative mental state known as burnout. Otherwise known as emotional exhaustion, burnout has become increasingly more common nowadays as we put greater and greater pressure on ourselves. Those in high-pressure, stressful jobs are at a greater risk of this, especially those with existing mental health conditions.

So, what is burnout? The International Classification Of Diseases (IDC-11) describes it as:

ā€œBurn-out is a syndrome conceptualised as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterised by three dimensions:

  1. Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion
  2. Increased mental distance from oneā€™s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to oneā€™s job
  3. Reduced professional efficacy ā€œ

Now more than ever, we tend to work ourselves in search of a far-off goal. However, often those goals are unreachable. The easiest comparison that I can make is the following scenario: Youā€™ve just started going to the gym again and you decide that by the end of the month you should be able to fifty miles in one go. Although it is ā€œpossibleā€, the level of sole dedication that you would have to devote to your exercise regime would be ridiculous. Youā€™d have to give up relaxation, social time, heck, even your day job. The amount of physical, mental, and psychological exhaustion that you would put yourself through for the sake of a goal, would be insane.

Naturally, when someone suggests to you that theyā€™re going to achieve this insane physical feat in such a short span of time, you would question it. Youā€™d even advise them against doing such a thing! Yet, for some reason, workplaces donā€™t bat an eye at overworking their employees. You feel guilty for falling behind on deadlines, you work later and on weekends in order to make up for it, you sleep less, you eat less, until you get to a stage of exhaustion where you just feel that you canā€™t cope anymore.

Obviously, there are a remarkable amount of similarities between depression and burnout. From the tiredness, to the lack of self-esteem and overwhelming guilt that arises from your inaction, Iā€™ve often found that I struggle to differentiate between my bouts of depression and when Iā€™m suffering from burnout. Iā€™ve had a real battle with burnout and depression over the last twelve months, as my final year of university was kicking my ass. I made the mistake of trying to make up for the time Iā€™d missed in my first two years where I was too anxious to really try anything new, to the point where I overburdened myself massively. Like, it was insane. It got to a point where my housemates wouldnā€™t see me for days because Iā€™d leave the house before them and get back after them.

After years of dealing with depression and my other conditions, Iā€™ve become good at handling burnout and working despite its impact on me. However, thatā€™s not really a good thing, is it? Nobody should have to get to the point where they are so good at powering through emotional exhaustion that they could register it as a skill on their CV. Burnout also has a nasty tendency to become a habit, rather than a one off negative occurrence. You start to work yourself harder and harder, feeling guilty for not being able to maintain that level of intensity. Itā€™s a difficult cycle to break out of.

In what is probably the first sensible choice Iā€™ve made in a while; Iā€™m going to stop writing this piece here. After all, wouldnā€™t want to burn myself out! Be sure to tune in this Sunday at 3pm to EGX Digital, as the panel that I recorded with some amazing guests is airing as part of the convention! Super excited!

Take care of yourselves:

CaitlinRC.

Depression – That Little Voice:

TW – Depression and Suicide.

A young girl shuts the door on her friend with a big smile plastered across her face. As soon as the lock clicks into place, the smile vanishes and overwhelming sadness swims in her eyes. She slumps down, barely able to keep herself upright as sobs begin to wrack her body and tears spill down her cheeks. The camera pans away, the piano instrumental swelling to an emotional crescendo. This is what the films showcase depression as, a dramatic display of emotion and sorrow. Needless to say, that’s a load of bollocks.

Yes, this devastating mental health condition can manifest itself in full emotional breakdowns. Yes, there are some moments where I just want to cry in my room until the sun sinks below the horizon. However, it is so much more than that. It isn’t something that is magically fixed by falling in love with some handsome boy who wipes away your tears. There isn’t a “cure”. It isn’t something you can prevent just by “cheering up” or stopping being sad.

Let me explain a bit more. Depression is more than just feeling sad. It is more than the emotional breakdowns where you can do nothing but cry. It’s days where you don’t see the purpose of getting out of bed or doing anything productive, because what possible worth could you contribute to the world? It is moments where you feel guilty for taking time to yourself, where you feel that you aren’t good enough, that your work is terrible, that you are worthless.

Depression is a mood disorder, caused by an inbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain. A low level of serotonin, is associated with a low mood, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, interest in usually enjoyable activities and much more. There are many different factors that can influence whether you develop a mental illness such as depression – there’s a major genetic component. For example, there’s a big history of mental illness in my family, which significantly raised the risk of how likely it was for my sister and I to develop one.

I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression around three years ago. Around a year and a half later, I was given the additional diagnosis of PTS (Post Traumatic Stress). Despite all this, I’ve been experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression for nearly seven years now. Looking back on my teenage years, those moments of anxiety and self-loathing weren’t just teen angst or exam stress. All these people would tell me to calm down, to relax, to stop beating myself up over every tiny mistake. I’d feel guilty for not being able to take their advice, for wallowing in self-pity and guilt.

Now, there are many different types of treatment for depression. These treatments are not a permanent fix for the mood disorder, they are merely ways to cope and manage the symptoms. I’ve tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to improve my self-esteem, counselling to try and process the traumatic events in my life, various self-help resources and ground techniques for when I get overstimulated and start to panic. However, therapy isn’t the answer for everyone. In my case, I need to take anti-depressants to keep my mood in check. I couldn’t focus on the therapy or the techniques that I was being taught because I just couldn’t see the point in it. I didn’t see a good reason for wasting my therapist’s time with my petty problems.

Throughout these years, I’ve had so many ups and downs that if you drew my journey on a map, it’d look like a mountain range that even the most ardent of explorers would dread to climb. Some of those downs have been a major dark pit that I didn’t think I’d get out of. I’ve struggled with my self-esteem, dealt with thoughts of whether I should end my own life. It’s terrifying. Genuinely terrifying. You feel like you’ve fallen so far down that nobody could ever find you to help pull you out. I was lucky enough to know an amazing guy at university, who would always make me laugh when I saw him at brunch. Despite me not being a “party” student, he still made an effort to include me and get to know me. Sadly, he lost his battle with depression and took his own life back in late 2018. I still miss him.

Mental health conditions are so much more than just “attitude” or “moodiness”, they are conditions that those who suffer from them will have to carry for the rest of their lives. It becomes a part of who you are, influences the decisions you make and the paths you choose to follow. I know for a fact that I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because I thought I wasn’t good enough or smart enough or worthy of that chance. Heck, even now I still don’t.

It’s ok to ask for help. One in four people will suffer from a mental health condition in their lifetime. You aren’t weird, you aren’t broken or wrong. You are deserving of love and support as much as the next person. Please remember that.

Look out for one another, be that hand in the darkness.

CaitlinRC.