Category: Real Life

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Posted on by in Real Life

Hi.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Not sure why I write questions like that in my posts, it’s not like any of you are stood behind me, ready to respond immediately. If you were, that’d be a tad unnerving, especially since I am sat at my desk in my supposedly empty house. My cats make enough noise that I often wonder if I’m being robbed but even they wouldn’t lurk behind me and answer my rhetorical questions. Wait no, they probably would. Either that, or the burglars have taken an interest in my writing.

Weird thoughts aside, I wanted to talk to you all. I know I don’t need to explain why I’ve not written articles in a while – after all, this site is my choice, my side project, not a contracted position or legal requirement. I shouldn’t feel I have to justify my choices in only posting my Dungeons and Dragons campaign, instead of the mental health focused vision that I began MindGames with. Yet, here I am, trying to explain thought processes and decisions that I barely understand myself.

These last 18 months have been insane for us all, regardless of where you live. It’s insane to me to think that shortly before this all began, I was celebrating the end of my theatre show, a production of Harold Pinter’s “The Hothouse”. Over the course of lockdown, I wrote a dissertation, sat my final exams, graduated from university, moved out on my own, started a new job, adopted two cats and now I’m looking at finding a more permanent flat to live in for the next decade or so. A great deal has changed. None of us are the same people we were at the start of all this. Heck, none of us are the same person as the one that woke up this morning.

Despite this, my feelings towards this site, this community, the core ideals that I built MindGames around – they have not changed. The work that I’ve done is but a drop in the vast ocean of content that exists out there on the internet. We make the occasional ripple on the surface of that ocean. We are too small to make tidal waves. We struggle to fight against the current that threatens to drag us down. Mental health is tricky. It’s incredibly personal, a silent war fought on fronts that we forget exist. What seems like a raindrop to you, could be a tsunami to me.

It doesn’t feel like I do enough. Logically, I’ve accepted that nothing I do will feel enough to me, as I’ve set the boundary so high that nothing can reach it. I feel like I should be doing so much more with my platform, small as it may be. I have a thousand and one ideas but the fear that grips me whenever I consider putting those ideas to paper is impalpable. In the whirlwind of my life, there are two constant lights that I cling to. The love I hold for my cats and the joy that I experience every week with the Dungeons and Junkiez gang. Tuesday nights have become something that gets me through the darker mental states. Recently, all I’ve felt capable of doing outside of work commitments, has been playing and planning Dungeons and Dragons.

I have over a dozen unfinished articles sitting on my hard drive at the moment – Hades, Among Us, Prison Architect, the list goes on. Games that I’ve played that have stuck with me, made me laugh, made me rage, given me calm when little else could. Yet none of them feel worthy of MindGames. The words I use feel… lackluster. It’s strange. Every writer frets over their work. I doubt there’s a writer on the face of the planet who hasn’t second guessed their work at some point or another. Redrafts of novels, rewriting of entire episodes in tv shows, tweaking key lines in poignant movie moments – it’s all a part of the process.

Yet it’s not that I feel I need to rewrite every single article, more that by completing them, I’d be entering into a contract with myself that would demand their publication. It’s a common occurrence for me, less about how other’s will react and more about how it will gnaw into my state of mind. There’s a unfinished novel in my files, several drafts of fantasy stories that I never sought to have published, videos that I never made, thoughts I’ve never been brave enough to speak aloud. Too many thoughts.

Every time I have sat down to write recently, it’s just… not happened. It’s become a staring contest with my laptop that I could never win. There is no doubt that I want to keep building up MindGames until I can make a solid impact on the world and help people, but I think deep down I’m terrified of failure. Of failing all of you. Of failing myself. Of failing the memory of those that I’ve lost to the black dog that stalks our thoughts.

I will be back. Not regularly, at least not for a while. D&D will keep coming. Articles will return. I just… needed to get this out there. Communication is important after all – especially with yourself.

Caitlin.

What’s Going On?

Posted on by in Real Life

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I’ve not given up on this site and the positive impact that I want it to have on the gaming community. A lot has happened in the world over the last four months, which hasn’t helped with the issues of motivation and burnout that I’ve talked about before on the site. If I’m completely honest with you all, I just haven’t wanted to write recently? Normally, I’m a very creative person. I love to build worlds and weave stories from nowhere, to sketch out goofy comics and play music. A lot of that has been sapped out of me during these trying months. What remains has to be rationed out carefully, so that the things that I hold dear don’t wither away to nothing.

The majority of my limited creativity has been laser focused on my D&D sessions with friends; in building elaborate backstories and complex plots for my characters and worlds. If I had to analyse the breakdown of my time over the last four months, I can say with certainty that outside of eating, sleeping and doing my job, I dedicate my time to escapism. Be that watching videos, binging new series, reading, playing D&D, playing Among Us or laughing at my kittens antics – I have preferred to avoid dwelling on my own mental health for too long. I’m well aware that it isn’t the healthiest approach to the world but at the moment, it’s all I can really work up the effort to achieve.

This is the sixth article I’ve tried to write over the last few months. The only thing I’ve been able to keep up with is editing together my D&D campaign episodes, which we do in podcast form. That’s what those Dungeons and Junkiez posts are all about! Yet, when it comes to writing, I keep starting pieces on games that I’ve been enjoying and rarely get past the opening sentence. Fun fact, I’m actually writing this in my web browser rather than in my usual Word Document. That’s the danger of losing motivation, it builds the association between your negative mindset and the activities that you are taking part in at the time. Part of me is scared that I won’t be able to write a proper article again, even though I know that is a bunch of rubbish my brain came up with.

Going into 2021, my main thought as I sat on my sofa, in my place, alone, on New Years Eve – a kitten on each leg, was that I didn’t want to fail you all. I know, I know, I could never fail you. Your support has always been unwavering, kind, generous, heartfelt and encouraging, no matter what I’ve produced. You are all the reason that my EGX panel even happened. I would never have taken that chance if it wasn’t for the community that stands behind me and cheers me on. MindGames wouldn’t have made it through the shitshow that was 2020 without you all. I’ve had so many dips this year, some of them deep enough that I wasn’t sure I could climb back up. Our choices mould who we become and I know that I’ve become a better person because of this site, because of this community, because you all manage to find something meaningful in my ramblings.

Right now, I’m sat at my desk in my makeshift office where I work from home. It’s where I’ve worked since I started my job back in August. Despite having good control over my hours, a positive work environment and a boss who is brilliant, I’ve struggled. Heck, I have more free time now than I did this time last year. Even whilst in my final year of university, production managing a show and holding down a part-time teaching job, I still found the time and the excitement to sit down and write about gaming and mental health for you all. Now, with all these free evenings, I struggle to cook dinner for myself. It’s weird. Depression’s a bitch.

I’m well aware that this piece doesn’t make much sense, I’m really just speaking from the heart of what’s been going on in my life for the last few months. I think the global pandemic has fucked with a lot of our mental states, which is something we need to accept. It’s ok that you’re not doing well. It’s ok that you’re anxious, that you’re afraid or you’re angry. We’ll get through this. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.

I’ll be back with a proper piece by the end of the month. I promise you all 🙂

CaitlinRC

Burnout – Suffering In HD:

Posted on by in Real Life

Sadly, we are not talking about the racing game. Partly because I’ve never played it and partly because my racing knowledge is extremely limited, so the article would have as much motorsport commentary as the staff working the Legoland Driving School. Instead, we are talking about the negative mental state known as burnout. Otherwise known as emotional exhaustion, burnout has become increasingly more common nowadays as we put greater and greater pressure on ourselves. Those in high-pressure, stressful jobs are at a greater risk of this, especially those with existing mental health conditions.

So, what is burnout? The International Classification Of Diseases (IDC-11) describes it as:

“Burn-out is a syndrome conceptualised as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterised by three dimensions:

  1. Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion
  2. Increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job
  3. Reduced professional efficacy “

Now more than ever, we tend to work ourselves in search of a far-off goal. However, often those goals are unreachable. The easiest comparison that I can make is the following scenario: You’ve just started going to the gym again and you decide that by the end of the month you should be able to fifty miles in one go. Although it is “possible”, the level of sole dedication that you would have to devote to your exercise regime would be ridiculous. You’d have to give up relaxation, social time, heck, even your day job. The amount of physical, mental, and psychological exhaustion that you would put yourself through for the sake of a goal, would be insane.

Naturally, when someone suggests to you that they’re going to achieve this insane physical feat in such a short span of time, you would question it. You’d even advise them against doing such a thing! Yet, for some reason, workplaces don’t bat an eye at overworking their employees. You feel guilty for falling behind on deadlines, you work later and on weekends in order to make up for it, you sleep less, you eat less, until you get to a stage of exhaustion where you just feel that you can’t cope anymore.

Obviously, there are a remarkable amount of similarities between depression and burnout. From the tiredness, to the lack of self-esteem and overwhelming guilt that arises from your inaction, I’ve often found that I struggle to differentiate between my bouts of depression and when I’m suffering from burnout. I’ve had a real battle with burnout and depression over the last twelve months, as my final year of university was kicking my ass. I made the mistake of trying to make up for the time I’d missed in my first two years where I was too anxious to really try anything new, to the point where I overburdened myself massively. Like, it was insane. It got to a point where my housemates wouldn’t see me for days because I’d leave the house before them and get back after them.

After years of dealing with depression and my other conditions, I’ve become good at handling burnout and working despite its impact on me. However, that’s not really a good thing, is it? Nobody should have to get to the point where they are so good at powering through emotional exhaustion that they could register it as a skill on their CV. Burnout also has a nasty tendency to become a habit, rather than a one off negative occurrence. You start to work yourself harder and harder, feeling guilty for not being able to maintain that level of intensity. It’s a difficult cycle to break out of.

In what is probably the first sensible choice I’ve made in a while; I’m going to stop writing this piece here. After all, wouldn’t want to burn myself out! Be sure to tune in this Sunday at 3pm to EGX Digital, as the panel that I recorded with some amazing guests is airing as part of the convention! Super excited!

Take care of yourselves:

CaitlinRC.

Depression – That Little Voice:

Posted on by in Real Life

TW – Depression and Suicide.

A young girl shuts the door on her friend with a big smile plastered across her face. As soon as the lock clicks into place, the smile vanishes and overwhelming sadness swims in her eyes. She slumps down, barely able to keep herself upright as sobs begin to wrack her body and tears spill down her cheeks. The camera pans away, the piano instrumental swelling to an emotional crescendo. This is what the films showcase depression as, a dramatic display of emotion and sorrow. Needless to say, that’s a load of bollocks.

Yes, this devastating mental health condition can manifest itself in full emotional breakdowns. Yes, there are some moments where I just want to cry in my room until the sun sinks below the horizon. However, it is so much more than that. It isn’t something that is magically fixed by falling in love with some handsome boy who wipes away your tears. There isn’t a “cure”. It isn’t something you can prevent just by “cheering up” or stopping being sad.

Let me explain a bit more. Depression is more than just feeling sad. It is more than the emotional breakdowns where you can do nothing but cry. It’s days where you don’t see the purpose of getting out of bed or doing anything productive, because what possible worth could you contribute to the world? It is moments where you feel guilty for taking time to yourself, where you feel that you aren’t good enough, that your work is terrible, that you are worthless.

Depression is a mood disorder, caused by an inbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain. A low level of serotonin, is associated with a low mood, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, interest in usually enjoyable activities and much more. There are many different factors that can influence whether you develop a mental illness such as depression – there’s a major genetic component. For example, there’s a big history of mental illness in my family, which significantly raised the risk of how likely it was for my sister and I to develop one.

I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression around three years ago. Around a year and a half later, I was given the additional diagnosis of PTS (Post Traumatic Stress). Despite all this, I’ve been experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression for nearly seven years now. Looking back on my teenage years, those moments of anxiety and self-loathing weren’t just teen angst or exam stress. All these people would tell me to calm down, to relax, to stop beating myself up over every tiny mistake. I’d feel guilty for not being able to take their advice, for wallowing in self-pity and guilt.

Now, there are many different types of treatment for depression. These treatments are not a permanent fix for the mood disorder, they are merely ways to cope and manage the symptoms. I’ve tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to improve my self-esteem, counselling to try and process the traumatic events in my life, various self-help resources and ground techniques for when I get overstimulated and start to panic. However, therapy isn’t the answer for everyone. In my case, I need to take anti-depressants to keep my mood in check. I couldn’t focus on the therapy or the techniques that I was being taught because I just couldn’t see the point in it. I didn’t see a good reason for wasting my therapist’s time with my petty problems.

Throughout these years, I’ve had so many ups and downs that if you drew my journey on a map, it’d look like a mountain range that even the most ardent of explorers would dread to climb. Some of those downs have been a major dark pit that I didn’t think I’d get out of. I’ve struggled with my self-esteem, dealt with thoughts of whether I should end my own life. It’s terrifying. Genuinely terrifying. You feel like you’ve fallen so far down that nobody could ever find you to help pull you out. I was lucky enough to know an amazing guy at university, who would always make me laugh when I saw him at brunch. Despite me not being a “party” student, he still made an effort to include me and get to know me. Sadly, he lost his battle with depression and took his own life back in late 2018. I still miss him.

Mental health conditions are so much more than just “attitude” or “moodiness”, they are conditions that those who suffer from them will have to carry for the rest of their lives. It becomes a part of who you are, influences the decisions you make and the paths you choose to follow. I know for a fact that I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because I thought I wasn’t good enough or smart enough or worthy of that chance. Heck, even now I still don’t.

It’s ok to ask for help. One in four people will suffer from a mental health condition in their lifetime. You aren’t weird, you aren’t broken or wrong. You are deserving of love and support as much as the next person. Please remember that.

Look out for one another, be that hand in the darkness.

CaitlinRC.

Animal Crossing New Horizons – Being Outside Whilst Staying Inside:

Posted on by in Gaming, Real Life

Much like every person on the planet with a Nintendo Switch, I have been playing a lot of Animal Crossing New Horizons over the last month and a half. As it’s release date was scheduled for after my show season was over (for those who don’t know, I was production manager for a play for my university’s drama society), I’d pre-ordered it as a treat, to play as a wind down from the rewarding but incredibly stressful, show weeks. Thankfully, my show went without a hitch but the other play I was doing lighting for, had to stop due to the lockdown measures. So, New Horizons became my isolation game.

WHAT A HECKIN GOOD BOI

I have talked about Animal Crossing before on the site, with it being the second ever article posted on Mind Games (mind blowing, I know). So, if I repeat myself at all, I apologise! However, in traditional Mind Games fashion – there is more I would like to say. Specifically, about how New Horizons has kept me (moderately) sane during these trying times. If you will indulge me dear reader, by enjoying what is probably the thousandth article you have seen posted about the game. I may be no Eurogamer but hopefully something I say will strike a chord with you.

More than anything, what New Horizons provides for me is a sense of normality. Even if we were not in the middle of a world-wide pandemic, my world is at a turning point. I am graduating from university, starting a new job, and moving to a new place. Everything in my life is changing and that is a terrifying thought. So, having a game with a set routine, simple mechanics, and plenty of opportunities to make the island my own, is a great source of comfort.

This guy has been my nemesis since Wild World and I swear to Isabelle, I’ll sink his ship.

When I get up each day, I get my cereal and a fresh mug of coffee. I will watch whatever YouTube videos tickle my fancy, be that livestreams that I missed or compilations from my favourite shows. Then, I boot up Animal Crossing. I will grab the four fossils, hunt down the money rock and freshly grown money tree (who knew that there was a magic money tree), check for any visitors (or invaders like Redd) and water my flower fields. If I am missing any bugs or fish then I will go for a wander, tool in hand. Afterwards, I go about the rest of my day – maybe returning to my island in the evening once my work is done.

It becomes a constant. Others see it as tedious and repetitive, a game with no real end goal or objective – not worth the time investment. To me, it is a life ring that I cling to in a storm. In the words of the Lutece twins from Bioshock Infinite, it is all a matter of perspective. What I see will always be different to what you see. It is when you accept these different viewpoints, that you see the truth value of games like Animal Crossing in trying times like this.

Who needs to wait till Halloween for true horror, when Zipper is here.

Obviously, I am not the most social individual. At university, it means that I tend to avoid the traditional activities, such as club nights, pub crawls and various raves. I would rather meet a friend for coffee and go our separate ways afterwards. A couple of my closest friends have mastered the art of co-existing with me. We could be in the same room for hours, doing our own thing and neither of us will feel the need to fill the silence with awkward chatter.

The multiplayer aspect of Animal Crossing leans into the concept of co-existing. Often, I will visit a friend’s island and we will do our own thing. Be that fishing, harvesting fruit or wandering around getting to know all their villagers (and making them love you more in two minutes than the person who has known them for WEEKS). You get to talk to and enjoy the company of those friends that maybe you are in a different country from or those you cannot see due to the ongoing lockdown. It is not as good as the real thing, but people are finding creative ways to spend time with their loved ones using the capitalist raccoon’s island paradises.

WAKE UP BLATHERS I’VE GOT ANOTHER FOSSIL FOR YOU

The terraforming aspect of the game is remarkably therapeutic. Getting to mould and change your island into something that you feel genuinely proud of, is an incredibly satisfying feeling. Plus, you get to fix those weird cliff edges and oddly shaped ponds that your island starts out with. For those who cannot leave the house for the foreseeable future and those who live in an area without much greenery to enjoy in those brief daily walks for exercise purposes, getting to mould an ideal outside world, brings a little bit of joy that may be missing in their days.

Anyways, those are just a few thoughts I have had about New Horizons. I am keeping this piece short as I have a lot of university work to finish off and I do not want to repeat myself too much! I will post some pictures of my island once I finish the grand rebuilding process (scheduled for AFTER my dissertation is finished) on my Twitter so go follow me – @OurMindGames / @CaitlinRC

See you all soon,

CaitlinRC.