Tag: where have i been

Hi.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Not sure why I write questions like that in my posts, it’s not like any of you are stood behind me, ready to respond immediately. If you were, that’d be a tad unnerving, especially since I am sat at my desk in my supposedly empty house. My cats make enough noise that I often wonder if I’m being robbed but even they wouldn’t lurk behind me and answer my rhetorical questions. Wait no, they probably would. Either that, or the burglars have taken an interest in my writing.

Weird thoughts aside, I wanted to talk to you all. I know I don’t need to explain why I’ve not written articles in a while – after all, this site is my choice, my side project, not a contracted position or legal requirement. I shouldn’t feel I have to justify my choices in only posting my Dungeons and Dragons campaign, instead of the mental health focused vision that I began MindGames with. Yet, here I am, trying to explain thought processes and decisions that I barely understand myself.

These last 18 months have been insane for us all, regardless of where you live. It’s insane to me to think that shortly before this all began, I was celebrating the end of my theatre show, a production of Harold Pinter’s “The Hothouse”. Over the course of lockdown, I wrote a dissertation, sat my final exams, graduated from university, moved out on my own, started a new job, adopted two cats and now I’m looking at finding a more permanent flat to live in for the next decade or so. A great deal has changed. None of us are the same people we were at the start of all this. Heck, none of us are the same person as the one that woke up this morning.

Despite this, my feelings towards this site, this community, the core ideals that I built MindGames around – they have not changed. The work that I’ve done is but a drop in the vast ocean of content that exists out there on the internet. We make the occasional ripple on the surface of that ocean. We are too small to make tidal waves. We struggle to fight against the current that threatens to drag us down. Mental health is tricky. It’s incredibly personal, a silent war fought on fronts that we forget exist. What seems like a raindrop to you, could be a tsunami to me.

It doesn’t feel like I do enough. Logically, I’ve accepted that nothing I do will feel enough to me, as I’ve set the boundary so high that nothing can reach it. I feel like I should be doing so much more with my platform, small as it may be. I have a thousand and one ideas but the fear that grips me whenever I consider putting those ideas to paper is impalpable. In the whirlwind of my life, there are two constant lights that I cling to. The love I hold for my cats and the joy that I experience every week with the Dungeons and Junkiez gang. Tuesday nights have become something that gets me through the darker mental states. Recently, all I’ve felt capable of doing outside of work commitments, has been playing and planning Dungeons and Dragons.

I have over a dozen unfinished articles sitting on my hard drive at the moment – Hades, Among Us, Prison Architect, the list goes on. Games that I’ve played that have stuck with me, made me laugh, made me rage, given me calm when little else could. Yet none of them feel worthy of MindGames. The words I use feel… lackluster. It’s strange. Every writer frets over their work. I doubt there’s a writer on the face of the planet who hasn’t second guessed their work at some point or another. Redrafts of novels, rewriting of entire episodes in tv shows, tweaking key lines in poignant movie moments – it’s all a part of the process.

Yet it’s not that I feel I need to rewrite every single article, more that by completing them, I’d be entering into a contract with myself that would demand their publication. It’s a common occurrence for me, less about how other’s will react and more about how it will gnaw into my state of mind. There’s a unfinished novel in my files, several drafts of fantasy stories that I never sought to have published, videos that I never made, thoughts I’ve never been brave enough to speak aloud. Too many thoughts.

Every time I have sat down to write recently, it’s just… not happened. It’s become a staring contest with my laptop that I could never win. There is no doubt that I want to keep building up MindGames until I can make a solid impact on the world and help people, but I think deep down I’m terrified of failure. Of failing all of you. Of failing myself. Of failing the memory of those that I’ve lost to the black dog that stalks our thoughts.

I will be back. Not regularly, at least not for a while. D&D will keep coming. Articles will return. I just… needed to get this out there. Communication is important after all – especially with yourself.

Caitlin.

What’s Going On?

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I’ve not given up on this site and the positive impact that I want it to have on the gaming community. A lot has happened in the world over the last four months, which hasn’t helped with the issues of motivation and burnout that I’ve talked about before on the site. If I’m completely honest with you all, I just haven’t wanted to write recently? Normally, I’m a very creative person. I love to build worlds and weave stories from nowhere, to sketch out goofy comics and play music. A lot of that has been sapped out of me during these trying months. What remains has to be rationed out carefully, so that the things that I hold dear don’t wither away to nothing.

The majority of my limited creativity has been laser focused on my D&D sessions with friends; in building elaborate backstories and complex plots for my characters and worlds. If I had to analyse the breakdown of my time over the last four months, I can say with certainty that outside of eating, sleeping and doing my job, I dedicate my time to escapism. Be that watching videos, binging new series, reading, playing D&D, playing Among Us or laughing at my kittens antics – I have preferred to avoid dwelling on my own mental health for too long. I’m well aware that it isn’t the healthiest approach to the world but at the moment, it’s all I can really work up the effort to achieve.

This is the sixth article I’ve tried to write over the last few months. The only thing I’ve been able to keep up with is editing together my D&D campaign episodes, which we do in podcast form. That’s what those Dungeons and Junkiez posts are all about! Yet, when it comes to writing, I keep starting pieces on games that I’ve been enjoying and rarely get past the opening sentence. Fun fact, I’m actually writing this in my web browser rather than in my usual Word Document. That’s the danger of losing motivation, it builds the association between your negative mindset and the activities that you are taking part in at the time. Part of me is scared that I won’t be able to write a proper article again, even though I know that is a bunch of rubbish my brain came up with.

Going into 2021, my main thought as I sat on my sofa, in my place, alone, on New Years Eve – a kitten on each leg, was that I didn’t want to fail you all. I know, I know, I could never fail you. Your support has always been unwavering, kind, generous, heartfelt and encouraging, no matter what I’ve produced. You are all the reason that my EGX panel even happened. I would never have taken that chance if it wasn’t for the community that stands behind me and cheers me on. MindGames wouldn’t have made it through the shitshow that was 2020 without you all. I’ve had so many dips this year, some of them deep enough that I wasn’t sure I could climb back up. Our choices mould who we become and I know that I’ve become a better person because of this site, because of this community, because you all manage to find something meaningful in my ramblings.

Right now, I’m sat at my desk in my makeshift office where I work from home. It’s where I’ve worked since I started my job back in August. Despite having good control over my hours, a positive work environment and a boss who is brilliant, I’ve struggled. Heck, I have more free time now than I did this time last year. Even whilst in my final year of university, production managing a show and holding down a part-time teaching job, I still found the time and the excitement to sit down and write about gaming and mental health for you all. Now, with all these free evenings, I struggle to cook dinner for myself. It’s weird. Depression’s a bitch.

I’m well aware that this piece doesn’t make much sense, I’m really just speaking from the heart of what’s been going on in my life for the last few months. I think the global pandemic has fucked with a lot of our mental states, which is something we need to accept. It’s ok that you’re not doing well. It’s ok that you’re anxious, that you’re afraid or you’re angry. We’ll get through this. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.

I’ll be back with a proper piece by the end of the month. I promise you all 🙂

CaitlinRC