As you may have guessed from the title, I want to talk about the COVID-19 Pandemic that is sweeping the world. Personally, I’ve been self-isolating for around two weeks now and haven’t left the house for 10 days. After my last trip to the pharmacy to pick up my medication, I started feeling a bit off. Then I developed a persistent cough and a slight fever. I think I’m almost back to full health. However, there are so many that are not as lucky.
The elderly, the disabled, the immunocompromised and the key workers on the front lines of this pandemic, are all so much more susceptible to this sickness. Whilst I sit on my bed writing this, thousands of people are out working to save lives, feed families and keep the communities that we have strived so hard to build, intact. If you are one of them, I salute you. Meanwhile, the rest of us are (hopefully) staying inside and dealing with the new problems that weeks of self-isolation have created.
In times like this, mental health pushes its way to the forefront of our minds. Although isolation is the best way to prevent the spread of the virus, it is a double-edged sword. Humans are inherently social creatures. The connections we form with those we love are critical to our mental wellbeing. Loneliness and isolation can be the two biggest triggers when it comes to a declining mental state.
You know that scene in films, where the lead character is all happy and cheerful until they are alone in their room – at which point they slide down the door and burst into tears? It’s not that far from the truth. In public we tend to put on a facade that we think those around us want to see. We’re scared of judgement, of hatred or cruelty. More than that, we’re scared that people won’t understand us.
That fear, that dread and anxiety? Most of the time, that goes away when you talk to your friends and family about it. You see the love they have for you on their faces, you hear it in their voices. Their support and loyalty are crystal clear. However, when all you have is some text on a screen or a phone call that only seems to last a few minutes, it becomes hard to prove that little nagging voice in your head wrong.
I’m lucky enough to be staying at my house in Cardiff with my housemates. I have an amazing community that supports me, and my parents regularly check up on me to ensure I haven’t fallen asleep under a pile of laundry like a cat. However, even with all this, that voice grows louder each day I spend in self-isolation. I can only imagine how much louder it would be if I was alone.
We’ve talked about the negative spiral multiple times in many different contexts. Yet again, that painful loop rears it’s head in this crisis. For each day that I feel ill, or unmotivated or sad, I am not productive. A lack of productivity makes me feel guilty. That guilt makes me question my own abilities and my self-worth. That leads to a lack of self-care and more days where I simply cannot face being productive. It just goes around and around, endlessly.
I don’t regret staying inside. I don’t regret self-isolating. By staying home, I am protecting people. My body is healthy enough to fit off this illness but not everyone is so lucky. By doing this, we are protecting the key workers. By doing this, I am protecting someone’s loved ones from falling ill. Who knows, maybe by staying home, I could have saved someone’s life.
The main issue I have had with staying home and isolated, is that I am scared I am losing myself. Not in a big way or anything. Just small pieces that get chipped off as the days go by. Bits of my identity. Be that my friendships, my love of theatre, the campaigns I run for my friends, the video games I play or the relationships I hold with my family. Sometimes, when you’re alone, you feel that you have no control, that it’s all slipping away.
That’s ok.
I’ll be ok.
And I hope you will too.
CaitlinRC.
