A young girl shuts the door on her friend with a big smile plastered across her face. As soon as the lock clicks into place, the smile vanishes and overwhelming sadness swims in her eyes. She slumps down, barely able to keep herself upright as sobs begin to wrack her body and tears spill down her cheeks. The camera pans away, the piano instrumental swelling to an emotional crescendo. This is what the films showcase depression as, a dramatic display of emotion and sorrow. Needless to say, that’s a load of bollocks.
Yes, this devastating mental health condition can manifest itself in full emotional breakdowns. Yes, there are some moments where I just want to cry in my room until the sun sinks below the horizon. However, it is so much more than that. It isn’t something that is magically fixed by falling in love with some handsome boy who wipes away your tears. There isn’t a “cure”. It isn’t something you can prevent just by “cheering up” or stopping being sad.
Let me explain a bit more. Depression is more than just feeling sad. It is more than the emotional breakdowns where you can do nothing but cry. It’s days where you don’t see the purpose of getting out of bed or doing anything productive, because what possible worth could you contribute to the world? It is moments where you feel guilty for taking time to yourself, where you feel that you aren’t good enough, that your work is terrible, that you are worthless.
Depression is a mood disorder, caused by an inbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain. A low level of serotonin, is associated with a low mood, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, interest in usually enjoyable activities and much more. There are many different factors that can influence whether you develop a mental illness such as depression – there’s a major genetic component. For example, there’s a big history of mental illness in my family, which significantly raised the risk of how likely it was for my sister and I to develop one.
I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression around three years ago. Around a year and a half later, I was given the additional diagnosis of PTS (Post Traumatic Stress). Despite all this, I’ve been experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression for nearly seven years now. Looking back on my teenage years, those moments of anxiety and self-loathing weren’t just teen angst or exam stress. All these people would tell me to calm down, to relax, to stop beating myself up over every tiny mistake. I’d feel guilty for not being able to take their advice, for wallowing in self-pity and guilt.
Now, there are many different types of treatment for depression. These treatments are not a permanent fix for the mood disorder, they are merely ways to cope and manage the symptoms. I’ve tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to improve my self-esteem, counselling to try and process the traumatic events in my life, various self-help resources and ground techniques for when I get overstimulated and start to panic. However, therapy isn’t the answer for everyone. In my case, I need to take anti-depressants to keep my mood in check. I couldn’t focus on the therapy or the techniques that I was being taught because I just couldn’t see the point in it. I didn’t see a good reason for wasting my therapist’s time with my petty problems.
Throughout these years, I’ve had so many ups and downs that if you drew my journey on a map, it’d look like a mountain range that even the most ardent of explorers would dread to climb. Some of those downs have been a major dark pit that I didn’t think I’d get out of. I’ve struggled with my self-esteem, dealt with thoughts of whether I should end my own life. It’s terrifying. Genuinely terrifying. You feel like you’ve fallen so far down that nobody could ever find you to help pull you out. I was lucky enough to know an amazing guy at university, who would always make me laugh when I saw him at brunch. Despite me not being a “party” student, he still made an effort to include me and get to know me. Sadly, he lost his battle with depression and took his own life back in late 2018. I still miss him.
Mental health conditions are so much more than just “attitude” or “moodiness”, they are conditions that those who suffer from them will have to carry for the rest of their lives. It becomes a part of who you are, influences the decisions you make and the paths you choose to follow. I know for a fact that I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because I thought I wasn’t good enough or smart enough or worthy of that chance. Heck, even now I still don’t.
It’s ok to ask for help. One in four people will suffer from a mental health condition in their lifetime. You aren’t weird, you aren’t broken or wrong. You are deserving of love and support as much as the next person. Please remember that.
Look out for one another, be that hand in the darkness.
Back in October, which seems like it happened a decade ago, I was at EGX in London. After being lucky enough to get a Press Pass for the event, I spent quite a few hours scrolling through my emails, searching for games that I found interesting or ones that I thought deserved a little more love in the indie section. One such game was Röki, an adventure game that follows a young girl named Tove, who is trying to rescue her brother from the claws of the monster that kidnapped him.
In the short demo that I got to play, I was immediately immersed in a fairy-tale world. So, when the full version of the game was released on Steam a few days ago, I immediately threw myself into it. Over the course of a weekend, I completed each chapter of the story, trying my hardest to appreciate and discover every corner of my surroundings. Though I will say that spider is horrifying, I nearly threw my laptop across the room when I first saw it and the NOISES IT MADE WERE TERRIFYING OK.
Look at these gorgeous woods, it reminds me of the woods near where I was born.
Point and click adventures tend to be an experience of trial and error. For games with less well-thought out puzzles, it becomes a rage game, where you try combining anything and everything in a desperate attempt to progress the story. Röki, thankfully, has managed to avoid the puzzle pitfall. The puzzles were instinctive, cleverly interwoven into your interactions with the world. It didn’t feel like the plot was being held hostage until you finished collecting several shiny stones; it instead feels like a genuine obstacle standing between Tove and her brother.
From a technical standpoint, Röki is a masterpiece. Upon opening the game, you are greeted with sweeping vistas of a snowy mountain range. The forest stands out on the snowy background, managing to seem inviting and ominous at the same time. You’re greeted with icy lakes, towering trees, and crumbling castles – the likes of which we associate to the stories that we read to our kids at bedtime. These gorgeous landscapes are enhanced by the lighting engine that Röki implements. When you’re working with the sheer white snow of a mountain landscape like that of Tove’s home, it can be hard to make each explorable area unique enough to interest the player. In fact, arctic explorers must contend with a type of mirage, in which the snow makes it look like there is land on the horizon.
A lovely idyllic house, perfect for a fairy tale to take a dark turn.
Every aspect of Röki has an incredible amount of thought put into it, from the character designs, to the ambient sounds of the forest that you are exploring. The world of Röki is a living, breathing organism that deserves your utmost respect and from my time with the game, I am more than willing to give it that. Footprints will trail behind you in the snow, the wind blows through the trees, ravens will spook if you get too close. The birds sing and the trolls grumble as you walk past. It feels alive and bustling, yet you feel alone. Tove is on her own, in a world that she has only experienced in bed-time stories. Whenever I closed my eyes in Röki, every sound cue and background noise painted an elaborate picture of the world around Tove, a beautiful canvas forged through song.
Although beautiful, Röki is a remarkably dark game when you start to look below the surface. Littered across the forest are trolls that have been petrified by the sun, left frozen and alone until the end of time. A nearby church is filled with gravestones, that on closer inspection are those of children, taken at a young age and never recovered. A tortured soul who drowned in a lake now dwells there, dragging unfortunate souls to meet the same fate. Tove’s journey is not an easy one, it is more than a simple adventure to rescue her brother. It is about forgiveness, empathy, and hope where sometimes we find none.
LOOK AT THOSE MOUNTAINS AND FORESTS. SERIOUSLY. ITS SO PRETTY. SO SO PRETTY.
Personally, the plot hit close to home. It is a layered tale of loss and redemption, told through the eyes of a young girl who has been forced to grow up too quickly. Through exploring a magical forest, filled with whacky and wonderful creatures (plus a few of the more… deadly variety), you begin to uncover the story of a family in distress, whose dispute has had serious ramifications for the forest’s ecosystem and wellbeing. In her quest to rescue her brother and reunite with her father, Tove manages to piece back together the broken shards of a family of powerful beings – the Guardians of the forest.
If you don’t want any spoilers from the main story, then I’d recommend stepping away from this article now, purchasing the game on Steam, playing it through, eating a large amount of chocolate to recover emotionally and then come back to continue reading! I’m going to talk about a big spoiler from later in the game, because I feel it’s well worth talking about.
God I love mythology. And their gods. Ehehe.
So, SPOILERS AHEAD:
At the start of the game, your brother Lars, is taken by a monster through magic portal. Your father was last seen under a pile of rubble and wooden beams, begging you to take your brother and run. Although not explicitly stated at the start of the game, its clear that Tove’s mother has died – as well as that the loss is recent. Since the loss of her mother, Tove has had to take on the role of caregiver in her household. From caring for her little brother, to stoking the fire, to cooking for the family, this little girl can do it all. Yet, she shouldn’t have to. Her father is deep in grief over the loss of his beloved wife, leaving Tove alone in her own grief and pain.
As the game progresses, you are tasked with waking the three guardians of the forest – the wolf, the stag, and the bear. You learn that there was a fourth guardian, the raven, but she was outcast into another dimension with her son, a result of her falling in love with a human. Each of the guardians were responsible for a season in the year, as well as working with one another to keep the forest in balance. When the family fell apart, so did the forest they protected. Now the raven, seeks her revenge.
Get thee back satan, THIS IS MY BEDROOM. MINE.
With each of the guardians you wake, Tove is forced to walk through memories that she tried so hard to suppress. These memories are about her mother – key days that they spent together and the days that followed her loss. Facing the past, is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Whenever I think back on the people that I’ve lost, the memories that I’ve desperately tried to forget, it brings a tightness to my chest and a pain to my heart that is hard to describe. So, for Tove to face those memories, to battle through them, all to save her little brother from a mythical creature that is most definitely beyond her abilities to win a fight against, is incredible.
This becomes prominent in the climax of the game, where Tove faces off against the creature that took her brother. It turns out that Röki is the son of the raven guardian, who is desperate to have her son accepted by the world that cast them out. She is merely a mother that wants her son to have a normal life, though she really needs to work on her methods because child sacrifice through dark magic is not the best approach. In our eyes, she is the villain of this piece but from where she stands, she’s doing what she must. To her, a random human child’s life is nothing in comparison to the happiness of her own offspring.
Aw sweetheart. Back when you thought it would all be ok.
It is in the finale that one of the most emotional sequences in gaming makes its appearance. I’ve spoken before about games like What Remains of Edith Finch and Drawn to Life, with their powerful plots. However, Röki rockets to the top of that list in my minds eye, because it feels so heartfully genuine and real, that it is remarkably similar to some of the nightmares that I have had due to my ongoing battle with PTS. Tove is forced to relive the day of her mother’s death, which depressingly, is also her baby brother’s birthday. You sprint around a forest, desperately trying to track down the ringing phone that could bring medical help to save your mother. Yet every time that you have it in your grasp, you are teleported back to your parents’ side who beg you to do something, that only you can save her. It’s a harrowing but powerful moment.
Anyways, this review has gone on much longer than normal. If you haven’t played Röki, please do check it out, the folks at Polygon Treehouse are talented and extremely lovely. Have a good week everyone, remember to wash your hands and wear a mask. Remember to follow the site, follow my twitter @OurMindGames and like/comment!
When a game pops up with a time limit, that aggressively counts down in the corner of my screen, I tend to panic. Any of that calm, methodical logic, goes straight out the window and is replaced with utter panic and chaos. Even the most experienced gamers can be caught off guard by a ticking clock, switching from calm professionalism to flailing back and forth, interacting with every possible object to stop the countdown. In hindsight, it is quite funny. In the moment however, it is utterly terrifying.
So, a game based entirely around a timer mechanic? It was intriguing and anxiety inducing to say the least. MINIT is a small, indie game made by Devolver Digital. An entirely black and white, goofy adventure game that requires you to find elegant solutions to puzzles within the 60 second time limit of each “run”. You have three functions in the game – MOVE, USE OBJECT and DIE. Yes, you read that correctly. The “DIE” option acts as an instant reset button. If you mess up the required items for a puzzle or realise that you are going to run out of time, then you do not need to reload a save file or lose an hour of progress.
Slightly ominous, standing behind a old bloke with a big old sword.
MINIT reminds me of the earlier Zelda games like Link’s Awakening and A Link Between Worlds. It focuses more on the top-down puzzle solving parts of similar adventure games, filtering it down to the core essentials. You have the key mechanic – the 60 second timer, triggered by picking up a cursed sword that was lying around (as they normally do). Your end goal is to go to the factory where the cursed swords are being manufactured and to shut it down. Naturally, that involves entering a haunted house, travelling to a desert island, exploring a temple, and trying not to get murdered by snakes. All in the span of 60 seconds.
What I find most fascinating about this game, is that I felt calm throughout it. Even when I failed at a puzzle, or ran out of time, I felt that I knew enough to improve on my next run. There was no creeping anxiety or shaking hands that normally accompany those timed situations. In hindsight, that is a rather sad thought to have. Regardless, we all know how impactful time restrictions and deadlines can be. Just look at the education system in most countries.
A good, pixelated doggo, to calm all your worries.
The exams that you sit in the UK, tend to be about two or three hours long, depending on the topic. Some subjects have multiple papers, like Maths, whilst others only have one or two papers, like Psychology. The dozens of hours that you have put into studying, the hundred odd hours that your teachers put into delivering the content, all come down to those precious minutes in the exam hall. Especially when some subjects do not use coursework to assess their students, your entire qualifications depend on how you perform over the course of a few weeks.
Academic exams were my nightmare. Even at university, they still are. No matter how much preparation I do, be that past papers, lab questions, aggressively staring at the content and hoping it will absorb into my skull, I always struggle. Often, I walk into the exam room, sit down and immediately panic and forget everything. My breathing grows rapid, my heart races and my hands and legs wont stop shaking. I take my exams in a smaller room due to anxiety and I do receive extra time, but these provisions only came when I was at university. During secondary school, I refused to admit that I had a problem. So, I would sit in that exam hall filled with over a hundred other students and suffer through, rarely achieving what I was capable of.
Spooky temple is spooky.
More often that not, it would stump my teachers. My performance in class and in my various homework assignments were always of high quality but whenever exam season came around, my grades would fall flat. We tried different revision strategies and calming techniques, but nothing seemed to work. Now that I am on medication and am working through my issues, my exams are not as bad to deal with, but they still are not great. I do not cope well in big action games that give me a countdown or I receive an instant game over. The number of times I have hurled a controller across the room due to failing a countdown scenario, is more than I would care to admit to on the internet.
MINIT provides the player with a list of achievements that they can aim for in the course of a initial playthrough, as well as challenges for those seeking a bit more difficulty in their gaming experiences. Some of them are goofy ones, like watering your dog with a watering can or talking to a mysterious ghost called Mary. It is a fascinating game for speed runners as well, considering the number of spawns you take has an impact on how “well” your run goes. The “Second Run” mode, only gives you 40 seconds on your timer, forcing you to think about your actions clearly.
I wonder what their rates are for an overnight stay.
As far as I am aware, MINIT is still on Game Pass for Xbox/PC so, give it a go if you are interested! It is a game that you can pick up easily and have a good time with, regardless of how much spare time you can dedicate to it! Ten minutes or an hour, I hope you will have a blast with it either way.
I hope you are all staying safe in these scary times and if you ever need anyone to talk to, reach out to me. Be that in the comments, through the contact page on the site or on Twitter @OurMindGames.
So, it’s been a year since I published my first article on the site. We’ve come so far since then. I got to talk to some amazing developers as a press member at EGX, I met some of you guys, we have over 1,800 views and nearly 1000 unique visitors. 50 articles, dozens of comments and a small dent made into the stigma surrounding mental health in the gaming community.
Thank you all for your support. It means the world to me that I get to do this every week. So to say thank you, I reached out for some questions from you guys and well… here are the answers! Stay safe everyone.
…HONK
What is your favourite psychological trope/story in video games? And your least favourite? (@AgtFLAMINGO314)
Surprisingly for a computing student, I’m not a fan of how video games tackle Artificial Intelligence. Gaming as an industry has just beaten the life out of the question “can machines feel?”, to the point where it makes me wince to see it. We get it, you want to stay up to date with technology. But they just don’t understand how it works – it just goes into a revolution story that feels half hearted and forced.
I also hate when games depict those with mental illnesses as “unstable” or “dangerous”. It’s calmed down a lot more recently but there are still the occasional characters in games that make me want to pull my hair out because WE ARE NOT LIKE THAT. Our mental illnesses do not make us any less human and if one more developer turns someone with PTS into a serial killer, I’m going to become one myself. (Yes, I see the irony.)
Favourite trope? When it comes to psychology, I have always been fascinated with the thinking behind mythology. How those stories come to form beliefs and understanding, to create entire communities dedicated to its worship and understanding. Any game that tackles those beliefs, that challenges them and makes them all the stronger from it, is good with me. As it shows how we as a species can grow and adapt, whilst holding on to what makes us unique.
Either that or social psychology. Compliance and conformity especially, hence why one of the games series I have a soft spot for is the Orwell games. Dystopian future or not, the power of social influence cannot be denied.
We may not know whether it all exists, but it’s damn interesting.
Other than games, what do you find most helpful when relaxing? I.e. books, films or music etc, and any favourites? (@Ode_Ollie)
Often, what I do whilst relaxing will vary dependent on what kind of mood I’m in. Mostly, I tend to do various tasks that involve using my hands. Be that building LEGO, drawing, writing something or even cleaning, I like to physically do something and be able to see the results.
The rest of the time, music is a big relaxation tool for me. If I’m at home, then I grab my guitar and try strumming along to whatever I’m listening to. Otherwise, I have set playlists built up. Be it drowning out the negative thoughts, reliving warm memories associated with specific tunes or just allowing myself to think over the actions of the day, my noise cancelling headphones have become a major support mechanism to me.
Plus, reading is my jam. I’m a big book worm. Regardless of mood, a good book is something I can always lose myself in.
Choose Your Own Adventure Books are still great.
Do you know how many of us, as well as your work, have helped? (@Ode_Ollie)
I will never really be able to comprehend how my work has impacted people, because I barely understand how it has changed my life as it is. However, whether my articles have reached one person or dozens of people, I don’t regret starting the site. Any difference I can make, is worth the effort.
I still adore the logo that @spaceladyart made for us.
1 YEAR W H A T??? (@RupertLitterbin)
I know right? I got an email from WordPress the other day congratulating me on the anniversary of creating my site and nearly dropped my phone on the floor. So much has happened in the 365 days since I published that first piece. I left EGX Rezzed last year, determined to start my own site and to open those channels of communication with my fellow gamers. To see how far I have come, with the amazing support of those around me, is insane. I’m probably in the Matrix. That’d explain it.
Surprised Tom Nook isn’t the bad guy in the Matrix sequels tbh.
How do you deal with crowds of people at events like EGX and other conventions, especially with travelling to and from said events? (@MaxVelocity7)
Anxiety is a major issue when it comes to being able to attend gaming conventions such as EGX and Rezzed. Crowds are always going to be there. On the journey there, during the day itself, on your way home at night, even when you’re hunting for something to eat or queueing for the bathroom! Personally, I’ve never liked crowds anyways, so London isn’t on my list of favourite places to be, especially during the busier times. Heck, I don’t like going out in Cardiff during game day because I know just how insanely hectic it’ll be.
However, I can’t avoid crowds forever no matter how hard I try, so I’ve got my coping mechanisms for dealing with them. Let me lay out some of my techniques for you:
Plan The Journey – Know exactly what train you are getting, what time it leaves, what route it takes, what stops you get off at and so on. If you’re getting the Tube, make a note of the line you are taking and what direction it’s going so you can get to your platform without getting lost in the crowd. Put it in a note on your phone, for the way there and the way back, so you have one less thing to worry about.
Have Distractions – I have my noise cancelling headphones. As noise is a big anxiety stimulant for me, they act as a barrier between myself and the stressors, as well as being a big indicator to people to LEAVE ME ALONE. Some of my friends have stress balls or putty that they fiddle with. Others have wristbands. Find what makes you feel safe and bring it with you.
Quiet Spaces – Thankfully, conventions are getting the message that quiet spaces are needed so those who get overwhelmed can decompress somewhere safe. They are not always marked on the little map they give you, but they tend to be in small tents/past a curtain or doorway, with beanbags and spaces to sit in the quiet. Don’t feel bad if you need to use it. You deserve to enjoy the convention to and if you need time out, take it.
Friends – If possible, meet up or go with a friend. One that is aware of your anxiety and can act as your bodyguard from crowds when everything gets too busy. Make sure you define a signal or a phrase that’ll alert your friend if you aren’t okay and don’t feel bad if you can’t cope with everything all the time. They’d much rather have fun with you, than be playing alone. Trust me.
Breaks – Giving yourself time out is so important. Conventions are insanely busy, hectic, over-stimulating and anxiety inducing. It’s easier to handle if you take regular, short breaks. Be that getting lunch, a coffee or just sitting down for a bit. Decompress and relax. You deserve it.
The board game sections are always great to sit and relax in.
Favourite piece you’ve written so far? (@Fr0do_Baggins)
Hmm. Favourite piece so far. Considering I’ve written fifty articles now, which is an insane number to say the least, to choose my favourite is easy. It’s got to be the piece I wrote on GRIS, which was my favourite game of 2019 in the end. A short, beautiful experience whose soundtrack can bring me to tears if I’m in a mindset. You lose yourself completely in the experience and experience the protagonist’s journey as your own. There’s a reason why it is also the longest article I’ve written for the site thus far. However, as amazing as the game is, that’s not the reason why it is my favourite article.
GRIS was a journey. A journey of grief, loss and depression. It is one that I am very familiar with and one I think a lot of us will be forced to take during this current crisis. It was especially key to me working through my own grief, as I played the game and wrote the article about a month after the death of my grandfather. I still feel that ache of loss when I see finches on the bird feeders or butterflies fluttering around the buddleia, but it is no longer that painful stab that it was before. GRIS helped me understand the difference between torturing myself with my memories and keeping them as reminders of who Papa was to me.
Loss isn’t the end. I know that now.
What would be your desert island games? If you had to choose 8 and only those eight to play again, what would they be and why? (@Ode_Ollie)
Haven’t thought about the desert island scenario in a long time, so this is a good question! Here’s my list for you, off the top of my head:
Animal Crossing – They’ve always been my go-to relaxation games, which means that I associate it with a sense of calm and peacefulness that I don’t always get in my daily life.
Professor Layton (Miracle Mask) – As much as I’d love all the games in the series to come with me, that’d take up the entire list so instead, I’ve gone for my favourite of the main storyline, with cutscenes and a storyline that still make me well up on the 50th playthrough.
The Walking Dead (Telltale) – CLEMENTINE IS MY PRECIOUS BADASS CHILD, NEED I SAY MORE?
Assassins Creed Syndicate – The Frye twins are all I aspire to be in life, if I was more flexible and in greater physical condition. Also, I have the same reaction as Evie to a dress.
Spiderman PS4 – I just love being able to swing around the city and the combat is so satisfying to chain together with the aerial movement. It’s like a beautiful ballet of violence.
Octopath Traveller – Honestly, I just love the game. Being able to jump between all the character’s stories and to punch ginormous pixel art bosses in the face with my PET SNOW LEOPARD, is satisfying as all hell.
Stories Untold – Essentially my favourite storytelling experience of all time, especially for the text adventure fan within me.
Spyro The Dragon – 99% of my childhood memories are tied to this game. I still play the original with my mum from time to time. We’ve 100%’d the first five games (before it went all fighter combos) at least 30 times.
J’ACCUSE
The best thing about creating MindGames? The hardest thing about it? (@Ode_Ollie)
Best thing? Oh, that’s an easy one. It’s the community behind it. I never expected the outpouring of support that I have received from everyone. The fascinating insights and points that you all take from my writing, often astound me, as they aren’t things that I thought of at the time. Honestly, your comments and responses often make my writing seem a lot better than it is 😛
Hardest thing? I think it is talking about my mental health. Ironically, encouraging conversations about mental health and supporting one another, is why I made the site in the first place, but when it comes to my own mindset, I often feel ashamed or insecure. That’s exactly the feeling I’m trying to tackle, so it’s always a bit of an internal struggle when I’m writing about topics closer to my heart.
It’s the “we” that’s important. We aren’t alone.
How can you do so much and continuously create the most wonderful content and be this amazing a person and not let the quality slide? (@Ode_Ollie)
First off, you’re an absolute angel. You have supported me tirelessly since the birth of Mind Games and I can never thank you enough for that. Also, my LEGO Statue of Liberty looks great, thank you again for that. Hopefully the world looks favourably on us at some point in the future and we can hang out!
I’ve always understood my greatest enemy is my own mind. Being busy is my main method of coping, of being able to manage that anxiety and those negative thoughts that linger at the back of my mind. Especially at this key point in my life, with my graduation and starting a job and finding a place to live, plus all the usual young adult drama that comes with it, having something to distract you is so important.
Part of that distraction is routine, and I’ve managed to cement Mind Games into that routine. It gives me a chance, once a week to speak candidly about how I am feeling, how the game of choice touched me on a personal level and to connect with you all as best I can. Personally, I’m rarely “happy” with my articles, as I set myself very high standards. However, if I feel an article isn’t of the quality, I expect from myself, then I don’t release it.
Trust me, there are so many drafts and redrafts in my documents folder, including pieces on games that I never actually released. I refuse to let quality slide because the point behind Mind Games was to create a space for us to talk about these issues and to find that representation that we don’t always see. I won’t sacrifice that community for the sake of viewership from quick and easy articles.
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Thank you all for the questions and for reading this far down! We’ve come a long way. Thank you. So much.
As you may have guessed from the title, I want to talk about the COVID-19 Pandemic that is sweeping the world. Personally, I’ve been self-isolating for around two weeks now and haven’t left the house for 10 days. After my last trip to the pharmacy to pick up my medication, I started feeling a bit off. Then I developed a persistent cough and a slight fever. I think I’m almost back to full health. However, there are so many that are not as lucky.
The elderly, the disabled, the immunocompromised and the key workers on the front lines of this pandemic, are all so much more susceptible to this sickness. Whilst I sit on my bed writing this, thousands of people are out working to save lives, feed families and keep the communities that we have strived so hard to build, intact. If you are one of them, I salute you. Meanwhile, the rest of us are (hopefully) staying inside and dealing with the new problems that weeks of self-isolation have created.
In times like this, mental health pushes its way to the forefront of our minds. Although isolation is the best way to prevent the spread of the virus, it is a double-edged sword. Humans are inherently social creatures. The connections we form with those we love are critical to our mental wellbeing. Loneliness and isolation can be the two biggest triggers when it comes to a declining mental state.
You know that scene in films, where the lead character is all happy and cheerful until they are alone in their room – at which point they slide down the door and burst into tears? It’s not that far from the truth. In public we tend to put on a facade that we think those around us want to see. We’re scared of judgement, of hatred or cruelty. More than that, we’re scared that people won’t understand us.
That fear, that dread and anxiety? Most of the time, that goes away when you talk to your friends and family about it. You see the love they have for you on their faces, you hear it in their voices. Their support and loyalty are crystal clear. However, when all you have is some text on a screen or a phone call that only seems to last a few minutes, it becomes hard to prove that little nagging voice in your head wrong.
I’m lucky enough to be staying at my house in Cardiff with my housemates. I have an amazing community that supports me, and my parents regularly check up on me to ensure I haven’t fallen asleep under a pile of laundry like a cat. However, even with all this, that voice grows louder each day I spend in self-isolation. I can only imagine how much louder it would be if I was alone.
We’ve talked about the negative spiral multiple times in many different contexts. Yet again, that painful loop rears it’s head in this crisis. For each day that I feel ill, or unmotivated or sad, I am not productive. A lack of productivity makes me feel guilty. That guilt makes me question my own abilities and my self-worth. That leads to a lack of self-care and more days where I simply cannot face being productive. It just goes around and around, endlessly.
I don’t regret staying inside. I don’t regret self-isolating. By staying home, I am protecting people. My body is healthy enough to fit off this illness but not everyone is so lucky. By doing this, we are protecting the key workers. By doing this, I am protecting someone’s loved ones from falling ill. Who knows, maybe by staying home, I could have saved someone’s life.
The main issue I have had with staying home and isolated, is that I am scared I am losing myself. Not in a big way or anything. Just small pieces that get chipped off as the days go by. Bits of my identity. Be that my friendships, my love of theatre, the campaigns I run for my friends, the video games I play or the relationships I hold with my family. Sometimes, when you’re alone, you feel that you have no control, that it’s all slipping away.
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