Tag: mental state

What’s Going On?

Posted on by in Real Life

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I’ve not given up on this site and the positive impact that I want it to have on the gaming community. A lot has happened in the world over the last four months, which hasn’t helped with the issues of motivation and burnout that I’ve talked about before on the site. If I’m completely honest with you all, I just haven’t wanted to write recently? Normally, I’m a very creative person. I love to build worlds and weave stories from nowhere, to sketch out goofy comics and play music. A lot of that has been sapped out of me during these trying months. What remains has to be rationed out carefully, so that the things that I hold dear don’t wither away to nothing.

The majority of my limited creativity has been laser focused on my D&D sessions with friends; in building elaborate backstories and complex plots for my characters and worlds. If I had to analyse the breakdown of my time over the last four months, I can say with certainty that outside of eating, sleeping and doing my job, I dedicate my time to escapism. Be that watching videos, binging new series, reading, playing D&D, playing Among Us or laughing at my kittens antics – I have preferred to avoid dwelling on my own mental health for too long. I’m well aware that it isn’t the healthiest approach to the world but at the moment, it’s all I can really work up the effort to achieve.

This is the sixth article I’ve tried to write over the last few months. The only thing I’ve been able to keep up with is editing together my D&D campaign episodes, which we do in podcast form. That’s what those Dungeons and Junkiez posts are all about! Yet, when it comes to writing, I keep starting pieces on games that I’ve been enjoying and rarely get past the opening sentence. Fun fact, I’m actually writing this in my web browser rather than in my usual Word Document. That’s the danger of losing motivation, it builds the association between your negative mindset and the activities that you are taking part in at the time. Part of me is scared that I won’t be able to write a proper article again, even though I know that is a bunch of rubbish my brain came up with.

Going into 2021, my main thought as I sat on my sofa, in my place, alone, on New Years Eve – a kitten on each leg, was that I didn’t want to fail you all. I know, I know, I could never fail you. Your support has always been unwavering, kind, generous, heartfelt and encouraging, no matter what I’ve produced. You are all the reason that my EGX panel even happened. I would never have taken that chance if it wasn’t for the community that stands behind me and cheers me on. MindGames wouldn’t have made it through the shitshow that was 2020 without you all. I’ve had so many dips this year, some of them deep enough that I wasn’t sure I could climb back up. Our choices mould who we become and I know that I’ve become a better person because of this site, because of this community, because you all manage to find something meaningful in my ramblings.

Right now, I’m sat at my desk in my makeshift office where I work from home. It’s where I’ve worked since I started my job back in August. Despite having good control over my hours, a positive work environment and a boss who is brilliant, I’ve struggled. Heck, I have more free time now than I did this time last year. Even whilst in my final year of university, production managing a show and holding down a part-time teaching job, I still found the time and the excitement to sit down and write about gaming and mental health for you all. Now, with all these free evenings, I struggle to cook dinner for myself. It’s weird. Depression’s a bitch.

I’m well aware that this piece doesn’t make much sense, I’m really just speaking from the heart of what’s been going on in my life for the last few months. I think the global pandemic has fucked with a lot of our mental states, which is something we need to accept. It’s ok that you’re not doing well. It’s ok that you’re anxious, that you’re afraid or you’re angry. We’ll get through this. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.

I’ll be back with a proper piece by the end of the month. I promise you all 🙂

CaitlinRC

Peek Into My Mind:

Posted on by in Real Life

I’m sat writing this on one of the sofa’s in my living room. One of my housemates is cooking, another is sat watching The Sidemen fail at answering general knowledge questions whilst the final two are away at an event for the evening. The last two weeks have been very up and down regarding my mental health, with my schedule not really allowing for any down time to recharge properly. If I’m honest with you all, and I always strive to be honest, I’ve reached a limit. Burnout is a common thing, especially for those with mental health issues. Considering how busy I’ve been with university, my part time job and all my additional commitments – it’s a miracle that it hadn’t happened sooner.

The thing is, I haven’t lost my inspiration to write, edit videos or draw. In fact, it’s the other way around. As I’m writing this, I’ve got a rough plan for an art project, several videos that I’m in the process of editing and a tonne of article ideas. The inspiration and motivation are there, I just don’t have the energy for it. When I do have the energy, I get hit with the guilt. The guilt that I am avoiding doing my university work, that I’m not finishing coursework or revising for exams. It’s always there, sitting on my shoulder – reminding me that every moment that I’m not focusing on university or finding a graduate position, is wasting time.

A lot of you can relate to this because it’s a big part of the negative cycle that those with depression and anxiety suffer from. When you feel that guilt, it stresses you out because those deadlines seem to loom over you, even if they’re months away. That stress leads to anxiety over failing or disappointing those around you, which leads to even more self-loathing and doubt. When you’re in that kind of mental state, you can’t get any work done – causing guilt and starting the cycle anew. It’s toxic. It’s hard to break out of. After all, how can you form a plan of attack when that demon in your head can hear every thought you’re having?

A few weeks ago, we talked about why I started Mind Games. Obviously, mental health is such an important topic, now more than ever. Children are having panic attacks over schoolwork, students having to drop out of university due to suicidal thoughts, loneliness consuming the older population – these are all problems that we are facing, day in and day out. For those of you who have never had an anxiety attack, let me give a bit of context. You genuinely feel like you are dying. Your heart races, you struggle to draw in oxygen, and everything seems to be crashing down around you. It’s terrifying. Even now, when I know exactly what to expect from one, it still catches me off guard and stays with me for hours after the event.

Even now, the diagnosis of a mental health condition is categorised as a weakness by many. They think that because you hear voices, have panic attacks or struggle to get out of bed in the morning, means they can look down on you as a “less worthy” person. That couldn’t be further from the truth and it always infuriates me when people talk about mental health as a “problem” that we need to eradicate. Being able to live each day of your life, with those demons hanging on your shoulder – is a testament to the sheer inner strength and determination of every one of us. A bad day isn’t a failure, it’s merely a reset. You can always try again.

Trying to explain my mental health is probably one of the hardest things that I’ve done. Not because it’s challenging or dramatic but because I barely understand it myself. You can’t put it into words because it is so deeply personal. My mental health is a result of my experiences, my reactions, my loved ones and lost ones. So, making a site focused around something so personal, means that sometimes that I need to let you all peek behind the curtain a bit. I’m open about my mental health issues and my state of mind but obviously I don’t share everything with you all, a girl has got to have some secrets after all.

When people describe mental health as a constant fight or a never-ending battle, they aren’t exaggerating. It’s an endless crusade against an enemy that reinvents itself and can change its strategy at any point. You never know where you are safe. It could pop out in the middle of the unknown or under your bed at night – it’s always somehow right behind you and round the next corner at the same time. I’ve been in a relatively good place mentally for the last few months. However, if I compared that state of mind to someone who doesn’t experience mental health issues, they’d probably want to book me a doctor’s appointment on the spot. I haven’t won the battle. I probably never will.

However, I haven’t lost. I’m still here, writing these articles and listening to all your amazing stories. To me, that’s a victory. Although this little community we have built may not seem anything major, to me it’s worth more than anything. Each day that you wake up and go “I’m still here”, is a monumental achievement.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but I’ll say it.

I’m proud of you. I always will be.

Back to rambling about games next time, I promise.

– CaitlinRC