It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
I’ve not given up on this site and the positive impact that I want it to have on the gaming community. A lot has happened in the world over the last four months, which hasn’t helped with the issues of motivation and burnout that I’ve talked about before on the site. If I’m completely honest with you all, I just haven’t wanted to write recently? Normally, I’m a very creative person. I love to build worlds and weave stories from nowhere, to sketch out goofy comics and play music. A lot of that has been sapped out of me during these trying months. What remains has to be rationed out carefully, so that the things that I hold dear don’t wither away to nothing.
The majority of my limited creativity has been laser focused on my D&D sessions with friends; in building elaborate backstories and complex plots for my characters and worlds. If I had to analyse the breakdown of my time over the last four months, I can say with certainty that outside of eating, sleeping and doing my job, I dedicate my time to escapism. Be that watching videos, binging new series, reading, playing D&D, playing Among Us or laughing at my kittens antics – I have preferred to avoid dwelling on my own mental health for too long. I’m well aware that it isn’t the healthiest approach to the world but at the moment, it’s all I can really work up the effort to achieve.
This is the sixth article I’ve tried to write over the last few months. The only thing I’ve been able to keep up with is editing together my D&D campaign episodes, which we do in podcast form. That’s what those Dungeons and Junkiez posts are all about! Yet, when it comes to writing, I keep starting pieces on games that I’ve been enjoying and rarely get past the opening sentence. Fun fact, I’m actually writing this in my web browser rather than in my usual Word Document. That’s the danger of losing motivation, it builds the association between your negative mindset and the activities that you are taking part in at the time. Part of me is scared that I won’t be able to write a proper article again, even though I know that is a bunch of rubbish my brain came up with.
Going into 2021, my main thought as I sat on my sofa, in my place, alone, on New Years Eve – a kitten on each leg, was that I didn’t want to fail you all. I know, I know, I could never fail you. Your support has always been unwavering, kind, generous, heartfelt and encouraging, no matter what I’ve produced. You are all the reason that my EGX panel even happened. I would never have taken that chance if it wasn’t for the community that stands behind me and cheers me on. MindGames wouldn’t have made it through the shitshow that was 2020 without you all. I’ve had so many dips this year, some of them deep enough that I wasn’t sure I could climb back up. Our choices mould who we become and I know that I’ve become a better person because of this site, because of this community, because you all manage to find something meaningful in my ramblings.
Right now, I’m sat at my desk in my makeshift office where I work from home. It’s where I’ve worked since I started my job back in August. Despite having good control over my hours, a positive work environment and a boss who is brilliant, I’ve struggled. Heck, I have more free time now than I did this time last year. Even whilst in my final year of university, production managing a show and holding down a part-time teaching job, I still found the time and the excitement to sit down and write about gaming and mental health for you all. Now, with all these free evenings, I struggle to cook dinner for myself. It’s weird. Depression’s a bitch.
I’m well aware that this piece doesn’t make much sense, I’m really just speaking from the heart of what’s been going on in my life for the last few months. I think the global pandemic has fucked with a lot of our mental states, which is something we need to accept. It’s ok that you’re not doing well. It’s ok that you’re anxious, that you’re afraid or you’re angry. We’ll get through this. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.
I’ll be back with a proper piece by the end of the month. I promise you all 🙂
CaitlinRC